I went this past Friday to visit aunt b.   I love her, she can be sooo funny.   She lives about an hour from me so I don't see her too often.   Wish you could meet her.   Everyone would love her.

Saw my b yesterday for the 1st time in about 2 years.   Hey, it's not my fought that his wife wouldn't let him see the family.   It was strange to see him.   I did get his e-mail so maybe we can stay in touch this time.

Still working on those Christmas cards.   I need to find a way to make clear stickers for the insides.   That way I could make the saying, put in a nice font and color.   My handwriting is so bad that I would like to have everything nice and typed up for cards.

 

reading

Banned Books Week

September 20-27, 2003

Celebrate the Freedom to Read

Free People Read Freely

Monday Blues

I finally figured out what the "By The Way," guy was talking about on how to spell check your journal.   Well, actually, he updated his journal to make it so dummies like me could understand what he was saying.   Maybe I'm not so dumb, maybe he's the computer geek who thinks everyone is as smart as he.   I don't know.

Today my mood has be horrible.   I can't even stand to be around myself it's so bad.   I did sit under my SAD light for awhile.   I started making Christmas cards while I was sitting there.   Maybe if I already had some of the stuff it wouldn't be so expensive to make cards.   Right now it looks like it would be cheaper to buy ready made ones.   But I really enjoy making cards.   I have been making birthday, get well, and thinking of you cards for about 2 years now.   The people who receive my cards seem to like them.

Gotta go to the doctor tomorrow for my annual.   I HATE it.   If I didn't have to go believe me I wouldn't.   I like my doctor and everything, but I hate getting totally undressed.   I HATE it.

SSDD

Ok, I know nothing about computers, but I figure I can follow a few instructions, right?  Wrong.  I have been trying stuff that I read about in John M Scalzi's journal.  No luck.  Guess I'm even dumber than I thought.  (I refuse to think of myself as stupid, but I can live with dumb.

My depression is back in full force.  Yeah, it never went away, but today is as bad as it has been in a long time.  I can't seem to force myself to sit under the light that helps with my SAD.  I can do it from time to time.  Last season it was a piece of cake, this season I just can't make myself do it for some reason.  But today I really tried.  I sat there for about 1 and 1/2 hours.  I used the time to start making Christmas cards.  I didn't get many done, but I came up with some cool ideas -- atleast I like 'em.

I know that no one is reading this journal, and at first that is what I sort of wanted.  But now, after reading other journal, I wish someone would drop in and leave a comment. 

Finding journals hasn't been easy for me.  When I made this one one of the questions it asked was to pick a community.  So I thought I could go to a site and find other journals in the same community and start reading.  Well, if that site is out there I haven't found it, and no one has mentioned it anywhere.  Bummer.

 

Poor Sheriff Hege

Who shot the sheriff?  I have no idea if Sheriff Hege did all that they said he has, but I don't doubt some of it anyway.  The man loves power.  I think it has gone to the mans head.  I mean he decorated his office to look like an army bunker.  Get real.  If he has to do jail time, wonder if it will be in his pink jail with the blue crying teddy bears?  Oh, and no tv or porn.  Poor fella.....  And I know he's at home crying now.  The new (or acting sheriff as the case may be) striped all the decals off the famous "spider" car.  It took 2 days to get all off.  Hege was so proud of that car.  I know he has to crying into his beer.

We got lucky and Isabel didn't do too much damage here.  My aunts at the coast are without power, but at least they weren't flooded this go round.  But we did get alot of rain and wind.  It was pretty good sleeping weather.  I did see some video of some fool at Wrightsville Beach swimming in the ocean yesterday afternoon.  What was he thinking?  The waves were out of control, and he is swimming.  I was expecting  him to go under and not come back up.  Idiot. 

 

 

Isabel

It is hard to believe that we can feel the effects of hurricane Isabel this far inland.  But we have plenty of rain, and no shortage of rain.  Schools closed early, and I saw the Duke Power trucks sitting and waiting for us to lose power.  I really hope that those guys won't have to move.  I have family at the coast right where Isabel decided to come ashore.  I told my aunt she was crazy for staying.  I pray they are all ok.  They have been through hurricanes before, but it is still scarey.  You never know when one like Andrew will come around there.

I've been seeing all the cool things other people are doing to their journals, and I just can't figure it out.  I guess I'll keep trying to figure it out.  But my brain doesn't really speak computer-ese.

Still Asking Questions

I really hope to someday be able to understand why people do what they do.  Is it the nature or nurture thing?  Are we just born like we are?  Are serial killers born or created?  Can the criminally insane become Christians or is it just something you have to be "sane" to do? 

I'm a good person, I'm far from perfect.  God says he loves me, and wants me to be his.  But there are times that I don't feel like he should love me or want me.  Do other Christians feel this way?  Or, maybe, I'm not a true Christian to have these thoughts.  Maybe, I just think I am.

Questions Part I

I have been reading other journals, clicking onto some of their favorite sites.  It is amazing how different people can be, and what interest one, the other may think it terrible.  I found some that I myself just can't believe.  I think that when you are growing up you are surround by just a small part of the world, and you think the entire world is like that.  Sometimes we can go our entire life thinking that.  But lately it has started to really hit me that there is so much out there that I still can't get my head around.  I am lousy at trying to explain myself I know.  There are so many different ways people believe in God, or a god, or maybe they don't believe at all.  There are people that do things with their bodies that I don't see how they can even look at themselves in ther mirror.   The things that people do.  Just their regular day to day lives.  I just don't get it.  Please, don't get me wrong.  I am not a goody-too shoes.  I know I am not perfect.  But I try to be good.  I try to follow what I believe to be God's teachings.  That doesn't make me better than anyone else.  I am just trying to understand people.

I believe in God, the Bible, and that you have to believe in Jesus and ask for his forgiveness to get into Heaven.  It is that and not just being good.  People will say that they believe in God, but is it that they believe?  If they don't believe do they really think they can just do wantever they want and won't have to pay for it in some sort of way, either here on earth or after death?

Today is Another Day

The weather here has really cooled off.  I know it always happens about the same time every year (it being fall, and of course the fair will be in town soon, it is always chilly and rainy when the fair comes to town), but now there is that storm that should hit the coast in a few days.  I have family there so I worry about them.  The last storm of this size came pretty far inland, and even I lost power for awhile.  Hopefully this one will lose some of its punch before it hits land.

I have been listening to the radio quite a bit lately, and there is this song by Jewell that I keep hearing.  I can't remember the title, but there is a line that says "....so much violence ends in silence.."  Anyway for some reason I can't get that line out of my head.  It is totally true though.  Violence can end in death, but it also causes people to be to afraid to say anything.  Take domestic violence for example.  Women are to scared to talk, so they keep getting hurt.Wonder which Jewell is talking about?

The vet says my rabbit has fleas.  I must of walked them in the house on my clothes, because I know Lucky hasn't been outside!  We are getting the problem taken care of though,

I really wish aol would add spell check journaling.  I would use bigger, better, words if I only had a brain, oh, no I mean spell check.

Feeling Sorry for Myself

Not much going on today.  Went to a few yard sales.  I know I usually end up with junk I don't need.  But I did good today.  I bought just books.  I love to read and books are getting pretty expensive.  I mean $8 for a paperback?  Get real.  You can just about forget getting hardbacks.

In Wil Wheaton's journal he had a list of things he would like to do.  Great idea.  My list of things to do before I die would go like:  1)visit alaska 2)finish writing who, what, where, when on the back of all the photo's I have 3)learn another langauge 4)get a dog 5)find someone to love (who loves me back, very important they love me back) 6)finish the finishing on my hardwood floors 7)write a book? no, I can't write, I'll stick to just being a reader and making real writers rich  

Now that I started this list I realize that I don't really know what I want to do.  You work, pay your bills and just sort of try to survive.  Some people are always on the go and get so much seen, done, accomplished in their lifetimes.  But it hasn't been that easy for me.  Oh, yeah when I was younger I had hopes and dreams.  I should have been married by now, maybe kids.  But I haven't met Mr. Right, I've had a hysterectomy, and I got sick.  I have major depression (sometimes the dr. says I could be on the low end of bipolar), anxeity attacks, panic attacks, and seasonal affective disorder.  Sometimes I feel like I got a really bad deal.  But you have to work with the cards you are dealt.  I am in that "just gotta survive" mode right now.  That comes and goes, just like the ocean tides.  I haven't been able to work for awhile, but I get disabilty so I can pay my bills.  Some days I feel that life could be great if I would just get off my butt, and it is great to be alive.  Then, the depression or anexity kicks in and I feel sorry for myself.  It is a terrible cycle. 

I'm listening to 3 Doors Down.  Love those guys.  I like everything on the CD.  The words to the songs seem to really hit home.  Especially the song "Be Like That", and "Loser".

Nothing Really

I have such a headache.  I haven't gotten anything done today.  Well, I did get to the library.  I finally got a DVD player this year, so when I buy movies for it I give the old VHS movies to the library.  They have also gotten a few of the DVD movies that weren't so good.  Maybe somebody will like them.

Can't believe that John Ritter is dead.  I loved his shows.  This really sucks.  I can't believe that no one had found the problem with his heart.  I mean, because of his job I would think they make him get a physical ever so often.  Wonder what will happen to his show now.  He had what 4 kids?  Only 54 years old.  He wasn't suppose to die yet.

Johnny Cash.  It is bad that he died to.  Someone said that with his wife dying this year and his health that this shouldn't be a real surprise.  I did not know that his last single was a cover of a Nine Inch Nail song.  Can you believe that Johnny Cash was being played on MTV?  I remember his songs from when I was little.  He lead a hard life when he was young, I guess some of that came back to haunt him the older he got.

Haven't talked to my nieces in awhile.  Let's see....one will be 16 next month, she's the youngest.  The middle one will be 18 in a few weeks, she's married and just had a baby (marriage came first folks!!), then the oldest is 19, she has a 1 yr old kid and one on the way.  Kids having kids.  What can I say?  I love them all though.

I have seen some journals that have some sound.  Cool, maybe I'll learn to do that sometime.  But who is out there to listen to it?  Other people seem to have more exciting lives than me.  What can I say, my life sucks.  I don't know how to change it.  I mean I know small things I might could do, but will that really change anything?  Does it really matter if I change things?  Will anyone but me notice?  Will anyone know that I was here on the earth once I die?  No one will miss me.   No one will come to my funeral.  Ever notice that the word funeral starts with fun?  Just like diet starts with die?  Strange.

 If you have never seen a rabbit yawn you have really missed something. 

 

9-11

Can you believe that this Sept 11th will be 2 years since the terror attacks?  It is hard to believe.  Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday, then sometimes it's like 10 years ago, and on strange days it is almost like it was a dream, it never really happened.

What was I doing when it happened?  I remember all to well.  My dad and I had gone out for breakfast, and the place had a tv and it was on the "today" show.  Then we saw it.  I knew right off it was no accident.  Couldn't be, planes had been flying around the towers for years.  We hurried and went home to see more on tv.  I don't think it really hit me until I saw the tower collapse behind some reporter.  I still can't express what I was feeling at that moment in time.

That night I went to a prayer vigil at my church.  You would not believe how many people showed up.  I remember it was a Tuesday night and for a crowd like that to show up......The church was almost full.   And then it hit me, there is a fireman in my Sunday school class.  I am far away from NYC, but to think that could have been him that died.  His wife and kids left behind.  It started to make things even more personal for me.

Last year I ordered a flag to be flown over the United States Capital building on Sept 11th to mark the first anniversary of the attacks.  I can hardly bear to look at it.  This year, I think I will try to do something different -- different for me anyway.  Maybe I will go to my closest fire department to let them know that I haven't forgotten.  Maybe I will just sit outside and talk to God.  He can be a pretty good listener.

My Rabbit

Here are a couple of pictures of my rabbit Lucky.  I named her Lucky because she is lucky to be alive.  She was a rescue bunny.  These pictures were taken earlier this summer.  She is so sweet.

Mental Health Crisis

  Because of government cut backs the mental health community has had to cut back.  The local government funded clinic can't afford to keep doctors. Patients may no longer have someone to talk to,  just someone to keep writing prescriptions for their meds.  Even with insurance it's still a no win situation. Insurance companies will allow only so many visits to a psychiatrist. Sometimes you NEED more than they will allow.  They even can go against your doctor when it comes to hospitalization.  I met someone today who had to declare bankruptcy because the doctor said they needed to be in the hospital than the insurance company would pay for.  Some people only have medicare for insurance and alot of doctors won't accept that.  An even if they do, that does not help with the cost of medicines.  If you are unable to work  where does the money come from?  Do you skip meals?  Let the rent go?  You have to take your meds or you could be right back in the hospital and the insurance refusing to pay.  If all this wasn't bad enough, I found out today how lucky I am to have the psychiatrist I have.  Most have stopped doing any after hour help.  You can call to say your having a problem, or want to ask a question about your meds and instead of helping they are sending you to the ER.  That's great.  A 2 to 3 minute phone call could help, but instead you are told to get dressed, drive to the ER, wait your turn, then pay on your way out. What is health care coming to?  How many people must fall through the cracks?  How many people are going to suffer and die before someone wakes up and figures out how to help someone in need?  Shuting down state run mental hospitals may have saved the government money, but it is costing lives.  People are literally dying because no one is there to help them.  This is a real shame in a country that is supposed to be so rich, so caring, so welling to open out a hand to other countries. 

I know why there are so many killing themselves, homeless, doing illeagal drugs, begging, and going to jail.  Now you do to.

It's raining inside and out today

Today has not been the best day.  I think it might be that my seasonal depression is coming back.  I was hoping it wouldn't start this early in the season.  This past January the doctor said he thought that was my problem and suggested I try one of those lights you sit under.  Surprise, surprise  it worked!  Of course I had to sit under it from 1 1/2 to 2 hours a day.  But it helped my mood like you wouldn't believe.  (I would use bigger, better words here, but no spell check so I'm choosing words that I think I can spell.)

Anyway, when I started using the light I had to find something to do while sitting under it.  I love to read, but I thought about trying something else.  That is when I discovered scrapbooking.  I found that I really enjoy it.  I started going through old pictures and found some that I forgot who the people were or couldn't remember their names.  So, scrapbooking has forced me to do a better job of naming and data photos!  And looking through the scrapbooks is alot more fun than just flipping through a photo album.

The weather today has been overcast and just icky.  Icky is a word right?  It finally started raining and storming.  So the weather just about matches my mood. 

Tomorrow I go to my support group.  They met twice a month.  I am kinda looking forward to it.  Maybe someone else will be in the same mood and we can cry on each other's shoulder.  The group is called "Tides."

Guess that's about it for now.  I do have some housework to do, and I really need to take a shower and wash me hair.

 

How Strange Am I?

If anyone has been reading this, and checked out my favorite sites, they may think I am off my rocker.  I do love to go to the Weekly World News site.  I DO NOT believe in the stuff they print.  I just find it soooo very funny.  I mean, how could you not find the stuff about bat boys, hybrid babies, etc. not funny?  And the pictures!!!!

AOL asks you to send them e-mail about journals.  So I tried to voice an opinon, ask a question.  But their mail box is full!!  Has been for at least 2 days.  Are they keeping it that way on purpose?  Just how may e-mails does it take to fill a mail box?  Maybe they don't really want to hear from us.  So, AOL if you are reading this, CLEAN OUT YOUR MAIL BOX!

It is so weird how fast time goes by the older you get.  And even weirder (is that a word?) is how fast time goes when your on line.  Why is that?  Ok, the older I get, the more I want/have to do so my time is filled more than when I was younger.  Maybe that is part of the problem.

I have been working on a list of things to do for a support group I attend.  My list is called "Bored and Broke?"  I have came up with a fairly good size list, but for most of the things you have to be able to spend a little money ($5 - $10).  Nothing is free anymore.  The odd thing is, I'm sitting here with a list of things to do when bored, but when I get bored I really can't find anything on the list I want to do.  Well, maybe my list will help someone.

Just finished making a web page about the books I've been reading, etc...  What an experience.  It really was nothing to it.  But the address to get to it is as long as my arm.  I call it Endora's Favorite Reads.  Not a catchey name, not orginial, but I like it.

I have been thinking about how much the world has changed since I have been on the planet.  When 8 track tapes first came out.  Ohhh big deal.  Wonder whatever happened to that tape of Bread that I had?  Typewriters, records, no microwaves, man just landed on the moon, calculators just starting, no digital anything.  It's hard to remember all that has happened in my lifetime.  I didn't think I was that old, or maybe alot has happened in a short amount of time.  I know that fashions have came full circle.  I really hate that.  What I wore as a teen-ager should never have came back in style.

I still have some records, but no record player.  Great huh?  Well, I probably wouldn't listen to alot of them anyway, taste changes ever so often.

 

Today I Start A Journal

Hello world!  Welcome to my little corner of the world.  I am starting a new journal today.  I hope that it helps me to feel like I am not alone in this world.

I just finished reading "Bad Karma" by Andrew Harper (aka Douglas Clegg, check him out at www.douglasclegg.com.)  I LOVED it!!  It is about a patient that excapes from a hospital for the criminally insane. It is not predictable.  At least I don't think so.  I think Mr. Harper must be a tad bit..shall we say Crazy?  How did he come up with Agnes?

I haven't found spell check on this thing yet.  Which means I am in deep doo.  I have been told that if you love to read, and read alot then you are a good speller.  Whoever came up with that is WRONG.  I love to read, read about 40 books already this year, and I still can't spell.  And I am getting too old to start now.

My cat Ashley has arthritis in her back really bad.  The vet gave her some medicine that seems to be helping.  But she can get pretty fussy at times.  If I as old as she is I guess I would be pretty fussy too.

Guess that's it for now.  Next time more about me and the crazy people I call family.