Saturday, May 31, 2008

Brother dear

The last time I spoke to my brother was when I called him to tell him that mom had died.  I asked him to call his 2 daughters that no longer live at home and tell them.  He said ok.

I got a call from my niece N last week asking about mom.  I started crying and ask didn't her dad call her?  No, he hadn't.  I felt so bad.  I told her about mom and she said "I don't know what to say" I said that I was so sorry and I should have called her myself.

My dad spoke briefly to my brother on the day we buried mom.  He said he wasn't coming to the funeral. 

I called my brother a week ago Friday.  I got his voice mail so I left a message asking him to call me or dad.

So far neither I nor dad has heard from him.

So now what?

Maybe I made him mad.  A day or so after the funeral I mailed him a copy of the funeral program thingy the funeral home prints out.

Dad says that since mom is no longer here that we won't hear from him again.  I have always felt that would be true but I guess I had hoped it wouldn't be so.  Mom so wanted to believe that my brother and would be close.  She thought right before she died that he was changing and would be here for me.  Guess she was wrong.

Kathy

On June 3rd it will have been a month since mom passed.


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Monday, May 26, 2008

So I am driving down the road.......

My dad and I went to visit his sister Betty today.  She lives about 45 minutes away.  While going down this country road I see this HUGE bird.  No wait could it be a wild turkey?  Heck no!  There sitting in someone's front yard (well one was chowing down on some poor dead animal) are 2 (count 'em one, two) vultures!  I have seen pictures of the birds and on Animal Planet but never in real life.  Such a strange sight to see.  Oh if you are eating you don't want to read about their eating habits right now.  Ick.

And to toon guy (and everyone else who loves reading reviews) who loves to give his reviews on foods, have you read this?  Potato Chip Taste Test - AOL Food  Am I the only one that hasn't heard of most of these chips?  Do I need to spend more time on the chip aisle at the grocery store?  Just hand over some Lay's chips and I am fine.

Cat laing om my right hand.  Typung with left hand hard.  Sophie wont move.  Guess i will have to shut up now.  lol

Kathy

 

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Easier?

Easier?  Everyone says that the pain of losing a loved one gets easier with time.  While that may be true in the long run in the short term it isn't true.  It seems to be getting harder every day for both me and my dad. 

Ok, so maybe a year from now it may be easier but right now it is getting harder.  And lucky me my birthday is next month.  It is going to be hard.  I know it.

My dad wants to stay busy.  He wants to be on the go.  Hard to keep doing when you don't have much money but we try.  I like getting out also but some days I just want to stay put in my my house.  This bugs my dad.  He says I should stay busy.  Ok, there are tons of stuff I can do around my house (and his house) but if I don't stay home it won't get done.  And some days I just don't want to do anything.  And I think to a certain extent that is ok.

I heard part of this song on the TV show Zoey 101 which is on the Nickelodeon network.  It's a pretty cool song. I tried to copy/paste the words but I can't get it to copy from this website.  Sorry.  But here is the link:  NEWSBOYS - MILLION PIECES (KISSIN' YOUR CARES GOODBYE) LYRICS)

Kathy

 

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Two Men and Three Cats

This is a long video (almost 7 minutes), but it you have the time and you like cats you should watch it.

 

 

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Please visit and pass the word

This J-lander just lost her grandmother unexpectedly (at least I think it was unexpected my mind is a mess these days.) please go and leave some cyber hugs.

In Memory of a Beautiful Woman

Kathy

 

Friday, May 16, 2008

Life goes on......

Went to the doctor the other day.  I have lost 20 pounds since my last visit (which was in Feb).  My blood work came back good, and my diabetes is better (so the note he sent said).  All this is great news.  I haven't exactly been exercising or eating the way I should these past few months.

Today I went to the support group for people with mood disorders.  Haven't been in a long time.  I promised mom that I would start going back.  So I feel that I have made a huge step towards life again.

Going through mom's things is hard.  Doing all the legal stuff is heart breaking.  I won't bore you with details and tears.  Just know it's hard.

Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, is telling me that my brother may be going through his own personal hell with mom's death and that I should not be so hard on him.  The further away from the funeral the less hard I feel towards Bro, but I have a ways to go yet.  If he would just say what is going on instead of avoiding everyone.

Two of my aunts are in the hospital.  Both are my dad's sisters.  One has that Merser (the staph infection thing) and the other fell and hurt her back.  They are both in different cities.  That's the problem with dad's family -- no one lives in the same place!

Life is going on.  I guess it has been all along but I just wasn't going along with it.  I'm starting to though.  It's tough.  But I think I'll make it.  I think.....

Kathy

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Just me

Everyone seems to think I am being hard on my brother.  Maybe I am.  Maybe something inside of me will soften.  But right now I am deeply, deeply hurt.

And the fact that this coming Sunday is Mother's Day isn't helping anything.  Even before mom passed Mother's Day's ads were all over the place.  Every time I saw/heard one it feels like a knife stabbing into me.

Dad and I both see a grief counselor on Monday (different counselors but at the same place).  I hope we both can come away with something that will help us deal with our feelings better.

Kathy

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Dear sweet brother......

The above is meant to be sarcastic.

For reasons I don't know my brother didn't come to the viewing or mom's funeral.

I am totally PO'd at him.  I don't care what reason he can come up with.   I feel hate right now.  And though I know it isn't Christian of me to say this........I hope this haunts him and hurts him for the rest of his life.  This would have broken mom's heart.  How could he be so cold and heartless?

I guess sometime God will help me to forgive my brother.  But it will take a very long time.  Probably until I die.

Kathy

Sunday, May 4, 2008

My Mom

Kathy's Mom  --  Frances

                           02/26/32  --  05/03/08

 

                                Gone From My Sight

                                 by Henry Van Dyke

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone"

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"

And that is dying...

*************************

A Mother Finds Rest

— Edgar A Guest

And now she dwells where

Neither doubt nor fear

May find her breast;

No crying child may now

Disturb her here

Or break her rest.

Ended the ache of living.

Here she lies In wondrous peace.

God left a smile about her

Lovely eyes

With her release.

How oft we fretted her

Or caused her pain,

We cannot say.

Long hours she watched

Beside the window pane

With us away.

Her sleep we broke with

Whimpering and sighs

When we were ill.

Nor thought it much to

Rouse her with our cries,

As children will.

But now we suffer so,

And vainly call

For her to come.

Her feet will never tread

Again the hall,

Her lips are dumb.

Love had no more sweet

Service to provide,

But this we know,

She’ll watch us upon the

Other side,

Who tried her so. How oft we fretted her

Or caused her pain,

We cannot say.

Long hours she watched

Beside the window pane

With us away.

Her sleep we broke with

Whimpering and sighs

When we were ill.

Nor thought it much to

Rouse her with our cries,

As children will.

But now we suffer so,

And vainly call

For her to come.

Her feet will never tread

Again the hall,

Her lips are dumb.

Love had no more sweet

Service to provide,

But this we know,

She’ll watch us upon the

Other side,

Who tried her so.

*************************

 

On the Wings White Dove
   by ????

On the wings of a snow-white dove
He sends His pure sweet love
A sign from above (sign from above)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)

When troubles surround us, when evils comeThe body grows weak (body grows weak)
The spirit grows numb (spirit grows numb)
When these things beset us, He doesn't forget us
He sends down His love (sends down His love)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)

On the wings of a snow-white dove
He sends His pure sweet love
A sign from above (sign from above)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)

When Noah had drifted on the flood many days
He searched for land (he searched for land)
In various ways (various ways)
Troubles, he had some but wasn't forgotten
He sent him His love (sent him His love)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)

On the wings of a snow-white dove
He sends His pure sweet love
A sign from above (sign from above)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)

On the wings of a snow-white dove
He sends His pure sweet love
A sign from above (sign from above)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)

On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)