I have been dealing with stuff and learning more about myself lately. No, I haven't had any huge breakthroughs or epiphanies (big word, hope I have it right. LOL).
I have an older brother that I don't even feel like I have. He lives in another town. I don't know his address or his phone number. He emailed me maybe twice and then tells my parents something is wrong with his email so he can't get in touch with me. He has been online longer than me and yet in all that time he can hardly squeeze out a 2 line email to keep in touch. I feel as if he just doesn't exsist. I know I have told you guys to reach out and keep in touch with family because family is important. Well I can't reach out to someone that I have no address, phone number or vaild email address for.
My parents are getting older. Mom fell again yesterday. And it took lots of threats to get her to go to the ER to get X-rayed. Luckily she didn't hurt anything this time. She is unsteady on her feet alot but just won't use a walker or a cane. I don't know why. Dad has to go through the ER every so often because he thinks he's having a heart attack. Which it is amazing that he hasn't had one yet.
When my Aunt E was alive I was told that her dementia was brought on by a stroke and followed by more strokes. However on her death certificate cause of death was listed as Alzehimers. Now I have been noticing dementia-like stuff happening with mom. It is really hard dealing with someone that seems ok but swears she don't remember you telling her something. It's hard to think that maybe my aunt really did have Alzehimers and that might be what is happening to my mom. If it is, and Alzehimers is inherited, then I guess I will have it one day also.
I have my own health issues but they have to play a back seat to mom and dad's problems. I am the only one around to help them. My brother lives about an hour away and he calls them a couple of times a year. Mostly to ask for money. When mom fractured her hip he came down (after she got out of the hospital) to see her -- and to ask for $300. So you can see he and his family are no help whatsoever to me or the parents.
I'm getting older. I worry about being alone. Face it, how many of you guys are one of the following: married/with a partner, widowed but with children, have children, have family (brothers, sisters, in-laws, ect....) I have never been married. I have no children. The only family is my parents. I'm not dating anyone. I have no friends thanks to my depression. I can't hold a job thanks to my depression. I had to quit going to church and doing things because of my panic attacks.
So it is just me. Once my parents are gone ............I could die inside my house and no one would know. No one would be around to care. My poor cats would starve to death.
Don't tell me that it will get better. That even though my brother can't be bothered with his family he will some how turn around and want to start acting like a brother. I don't believe it.
Don't tell me that some how I will meet Mr Right or make some really killer friends here locally. I won't believe you. I can hardly leave my house now so I can't imagine people beating on my door wanting to be friends. I was always lousy at making really good friends anyway. I thought I had some good ones but they were never around when I needed them. I was a giver and I always seemed to find the takers in life. Even some people I have met online that I thought were becoming friends seemed to have disappered. I guess they took all they could use from our online friendship and decided to just go their own way.
The only thing I can manage to do right is to adopt unwanted cats and love them. The ones I have now don't have the cuddling personality my others did. You can't take that personaly but somehow I manage to. Well at least they are alive and healthy. And I love them.
15 comments:
poor you GIANT HUG {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I'm sure it sounds worse than it is. The only person who can change the way you feel is YOU! Make it a personal goal to go to Church or to a function of some sort. If it doesn't work out, at least you tried. :)
http://journals.aol.com/mrsm711/LatteDah/ Tracy
Well I had to come and join your party. It's no fun whining if no one listens. I have a freind that is very much like you, only she does go out and shop and volunteer alot. I met her at a camp the school kids had and we became friends. At the time, she had no other friends, but she did volunteer and had aquaintances. Now I've known her for 20 years and more and she's become a part of the family. It's not easy being alone. Just remember you have us on line, who care ! Sooooo I'm sending a (((hug ))) your way and wishing only good things to come for you ! 'On Ya' - ma
I know you're feeling isolated and overwhelmed and I know it's tough. Just know that if you feel this way that there's easily someone just like you that feels the same way and is searching for an isolated, overwhelmed person to identify with. Also know that sometimes we have to come out of our comfort zone to find a special someone... and I don't mean mate... I mean friend, companion, whatever... I have a big family but I'm often closer to my friends than my family because I believe friends are our chosen family. You said what you needed to say today and I respect that - because I do it too! - but if you're open to suggestions... I would say find something, someone to share the journey with... and you'll feel better.
*hugs*
heather
I'm telling you every feeling you have is valid. And, I'm going to write you an email.
Nothing wrong with a pity party. Writing down what's wrong sometimes opens a window to the right way. Hope it did, Cathy.
thats what my daugther worries about being alone as she has no one
u have to get out of your comfort zone and make new friends and meet people. There are alot of lonely people out there.
Just do it.
remember if you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got.
The world is full of nice, friendly people who would love to do things with someone. Do voulunteer work, others have it alot worse, and could use some help..the local soup kitchen, a big brother ,big sister organzation..
You have to find your own happiness....it won't come knocking at your door.
(((((( Kathy )))))))))))
I sure hope you start to feel a little more optimistic soon.
xo,
nancy
Just a quick question...are you seeing anyone to deal with the depression & panic attacks. The panic attacks can be dealt with sometimes a bit quicker than the depression but it would be one less thing. At least it has a chance of getting better little by little.
Kathy, what is causing your panic attacks?..what thoughts?....I am depressed too. Someone wrote something to me that stuck the other day...God can only steer if your moving.....Well,,,,,I'm not moving...emotionally so to speak....your a rational woman, so am I....in my head, I can be very black and white about life...I see my problems and the solutions have the word "miracle" around them...these arent easy problems with quick solutions...Yours is the case too...so depression, just comes on in and says lets get acquainted....lol...As far as meeting a guy, having friends,,,,,those arent unrealistic....those arent evem miracles...that shit happens every day....even with people who are depressed....Now the panic attacks thing is different.....So, do you know what's causing this?.........The panic attacks are your "miracle" solution..meaning...this isnt an easy step.....the other things you wrote could easily happen..Sorry, sweetie...gotta be real on that..getting a guy is no biggeee.....nice guys are out there...they just get passed up alot...
Your brother will come around unless he is a sociopath....he is young..and we think of ourselves then........Sorry to hear about your mothers fall...my Exs mother wouldnt use a cane either...I think the symbolism of the cane is a radical in your face reality check...that our bodies are dwindling down....its scary and who wants to face that?.....Thinking about you Kathy..you need to talk...I'm just a phone call away.....-Raven
Kathy, so many of us have had the very feelings you wrote about. They are hard, that I DO know. Sometimes, when we least expect, a change does happen. I am a perfect example. I lost my husband four years ago, no children, and was extremely lonely. Won't go into details what happened to make such a change in my life, but I can say this, had you told me two or three years ago what happened a year ago to make such a change for me, I would never have believed it. If you are a Christian woman, please pray. Things that you would never think about in your wildest dreams can sometimes happen. Only God can plan some things. Trust. That is my prayer for you. Hugs, LaVern
I wonder if your Brother and my Brother are one in the same. Your rants and description of your Brother were like a mirror of mine. Regards, Bill.
Sorry I didn't come to your party -- I was having one of my own. I called it off early on Friday because I momentarily decided that I needed to live. At least for now. My mother needs me to live while she is barely able to. And there are many people here in the cyber-world who need YOU to stick around. Hug yourself for me, Kath. (one of those big, comfortable hugs we Liberals give ;))
Russ
Your feelings are real and valid and i am sorry you feel alone. I wish i was a magic genie so i could cure you from whatever ales you. I will pray that you find your inner peace and joy. You are worth it.
Christine
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