You guys have no idea how badly you made me feel. Or
maybe it is because of where I am mentally right now.
Yeah, I'll blame it on that.
I haven't been this depressed in years. I am having so
many problems getting through the day. If I could crawl
into a hole and cover myself with dirt and never wake
up I would.
I have an appointment next week with the shrink but I
called and am in going in tomorrow. I don't see that it
is going to do any good though. The last few times he
adjusted my meds he and I knew he was grasping at
straws. Maybe he could just lock me up in a padded
cell and throw away the key.
I am so alone in this world you don't realize it. I never
see anyone but my parents and my doctors. I never talk
to anyone on the phone but my dad (and a few times mom)
You can say I have you I can email me but face it it is not
the same. I can't live the rest of my life like this. Don't
worry I don't have the balls to kill myself. I would mess
that up and it would kill my parents if I did.
And if anyone says "it'll pass", "things will get better"
I swear I will hunt you down and it won't be pleasent.
You don't know how dark clinical depression is. You don't
know what it is like to see the look in your doctor's face
when he has tried everything out there to help you and
nothing works, or it doesn't work for long. I knew
last visit that he doesn't have anything to offer me
until something new comes on the market. Well, there
might be one drug, but one of the side effects to the
medicine could be fatal so I have refused to take it.
Maybe I should go ahead and try it. And if I get the
side effect so what?
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
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15 comments:
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I know I spent yesterday shaking and in tears.
Make sure you get a padded cell for two because at the moment I see no way forward at all.
I have Dr tomorrow and am scared stiff already.
Kathy, I would not ever presume to tell you that things will get better ~ believe me, I understand the depression, I go through pretty much the same thing and it utterly PISSES me the heck off when people try to tell the Happy Happy Joy Joy Crap. Don't get me wrong, I don't understand YOUR depression, I understand my own and that's all anyone can do is understand their own and not try to dissect everyone else's. I wanted to let you know that I empathize and if you want to email me it's ok ~ (I know it's not the same) but it's an outlet, right? Blessings, Teresa
KATHY don tyou dare give up or let others run you off in a hole. HANG IN htere the opionons of those of us who stand by you should say volumes to you and that matters more hope. I Know its hard but know that many of us love you and dont judge you {{{{{{{{KATHY}}}}}}}}
I am depressed too but I do know, its regrets, and lack of hope which none are supposed to hold us hostage. I am sorry your feeling awful too. I will pray for you. I dont know what is going on in terms of who said what and why, but my prayers arent nearly as powerful as they were years ago. My heart isnt right but I do sense Gods presence everyday. He is there and he doesnt abandon his children. He hears you and that is comforting. ~Raven
All I can say is I love you very much and I know what the pain of anxiety is. Can't imagine the pain of depression. So sorry. My offer still stands.
Now you know I am NOT going to tell you everything is going to be ok....because I know exactly where you are at....I am there...you are far better then me....at least you go out to appointments...I cannot....I cannot take that step....I truly wish I was closer to you....I just know we could talk and help each other...I have seriously considered being hospitalized...but scared I would never get out....I am here for you Kathy....for whatever you need and want....I know words do not help...I definitely have no magic words or solutions...but TRULY I am your friend...I DEFINITELY feel your pain...I am here...
((((((((HUGS))))))))))
Ellie
It can take a ton of trial and error to find the right combo of meds...and even then, they often need to be adjusted. Just don't give up. Believe me, I've almost completely given up and am often reminded how glad I am that I hung in there.
Love,
Nancy
I'm not qualified to give advice, Cathy. I can only wish you strength, even though I cannot give it to you.
Hi Kathy...
I do hope this feeling subsides in you and i do know how you are feeling i live with this every day of my life my husband has been suffering severe clinical manic depression for over 30 years and he is often feeling so bad within himself he also has these dark thoughts and it is very frightening for others around him...Kathy! you are not alone and you will come through this.
Best wishes and i have you in my thoughts!
Astra!
http://journals.aol.co.uk/astra1547/astrasjournal
Hi Kathy. Yes I do have an idea of what depression is like....and it's HELL. Pure HELL. My last Doc visit he also looked at me like he couldn't do anything and referred me to a shrink. I haven't gone yet. I will. I should. It seems that a lot of people in my life are also depressed. One Doc said that the brain ages and the chemicals get out of balance just from age. WOW! Take care girl.
Pam
I'll hang in there if you will. Depression hurts. So much hurt. Hang in there and talk to your doc.
Russ
I just want you to know I am feeling for you. I do not know what to say except just that. You will be in my thoughts.
Sam
Cathy, I could have written this. For me it is a dark pit out of which I might never emerge. I am so sorry, and will be thinking about you. Margo
Oh i didnt know. Im sorry.. And excuse my sarcasm on my last comment. it was my evil twin!!!
Love christine
Geez, Kathy, I just happened to click on here when I was sending a tag. Trust me, I have walked in your shoes and know exactly how black the darkness gets. I have suffered from clinical depression since I was 19 and am now 53. I cannot believe that audacity of some that say you don't pray enough or have enough faith. What a bunch of BS! My son inherited the awful gene. We reached a point where there were no meds left for him to even try. It's beyond scary to see the look in a prominent psychiatrist's eyes when he is perplexed and doesn't have a clue which way to go next. One thing I will do is pray for you and pray that a medication soon comes out to help you. I always live in fear that my depression will come back full force...so far, it's been pretty well under control but that doesn't mean a thing, which is one reason why quitting cigarettes cold turkey is such a problem. Big Hugs Chris
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