Just when I finally get myself together, well as together as I am going to get at the moment, I get a phone call that feels like a smack to the side of my head. And that little voice that goes "you silly fool, you didn't really think things would calm down now did ya?"
Mom just called me. To let me know she is getting some things together for me. Why???? Well for the past few days seems like she has been having chest pains. Pains she didn't tell anyone about until today. Before I can say call the doctor she jumps all down my throat saying not to jump on her about going to the hospital or anything.
Mom said she didn't say anything because she didn't feel like it was "her time". Said dad is sitting there crying like a baby and telling her how much he loves her.
She says she took some kind of pill last night and slept great and is not in any pain. She's fine. She'll let the doctor check her out at her next regular appointment --- in February!
She tells me how much she loves me and that she worries about me. And asks me if I will take the urn that has her beloved cat Patches in it. She says it means so much to her but she knows dad could care less.
NOW WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY TO ALL THAT? As soon as I try to say: You're the only mom I got, let a doctor check you out, she is down my throat for suggesting such. Says she will go to the doctor if and when she feels the need to. I tell her that I am not saying anything to her that she wouldn't say to me. dead air. Then she changes the subject.
So I worry about her having dementia. Now I can worry about her having a heart attack but if she feels it "isn't her time" she isn't going to go to a doctor. And I have dad totally losing it because he thinks she could drop dead at any second.
I am upset. I am mad. I am worried. I am so many different things right now that I couldn't possibly get it all out on paper.
I love my mom. Right now I want to get my hands on her neck and just strangle her for acting like this. I know I can't make her do anything she doesn't want to. I know that if something happens to her then it happens. I can't change anything. So why is she telling me this stuff if she doesn't want me to try to talk her into seeing a doctor? Why is she "getting stuff together" for me?
What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to think? How am I supposed to use this information? I don't understand.
Kathy
16 comments:
i feel the same set of mixed emotions about my mother!!
This is a hard one. If she has all her faculties, there is nothing much you can do but secretly, you can give your father the phone number of a local ambulance service like the Fire Dept for him to call just in case. At least, it will put his mind at ease.
You can't help her, if she won't help herself but you can help put him at ease. He could call without her knowledge if he sees she's having discomfort.
Angela
I think that was pretty insensitive of her to do that to you. She clearly implied that she thought she was dying and then acted like you were making a big deal over nothing. Kinda manipulative. Bottom line...you can't make her do anything and that stinks, but you can't. I'm truly sorry you have to go through this.
Hugs,
Nancy
http://journals.aol.com/nhd106/Nancyluvspix/entries/2006/12/04/some-california-pics/1324
Wow, that's a tough one. But you are right you cannot change anything!!! I have to keep telling myself that.
Do you think it would help if you talked to your Mom from the angle of you and NOT her? What I mean is trying talking to her and helping her understand how she is making you feel. Ask her point blank what she would like you to do and what should do with the stuff she is getting together.
That's a tough one and I wish I had a perfect answer. I am here and I can offer a shoulder if needed and a good ol' fashioned hug.
Deb
yup anytime I try to get mom help she jumps down my throat!!!!!!!
Maybe all you can say is, "Mom I love you and will miss you when you are gone."
it seems to me that she is very scared and feels that she wants help but doesnt want to accept it,like a misplaced sense of pride in this situation,you need to stay calm and talk to her as to why she felt the need to let you know of all this if she didnt want you to worry,i hope she talks more to you next time,you poor hun zoe xx
http://journals.aol.co.uk/zoepaul6968/DomesticAbuse/
Role reversal is SO hard as our parents age, but you have to keep after her to go to the doctor. I live it every day.
okay just take a deep breath, and breathe. Its going to be okay. Ill be saying some prayers in the meantime
love,
Meg
Your dad can call the ambulance and if they feel she is a danger to herself then they can take appropriate actions. It's a tough call, though. Cause if someone is mentally stable, they are allowed to refuse treatment.
Maybe she's so used to you trying to get her to the Doc, you should surprise her and not do it.
Just tell her you will miss her when she's gone. And proceed to take the things she wants you to have without discussion. That might shock her!
Let us know what happens.
Pam
I THINK YOUR MOM WAS JUST WANTING ATTENTION.....AND SHE GOT IT......FROM YOU AND YOUR DADDY.
I FEEL SO SORRY THST YOU HAD TO HEAR ALL THAT...MAYBE ALL SHE REALLY WANTED TO KNOW THAT IF SOMETHING DID HAPPEN TO HER THAT YOU WOULD TAKE HER CAT'S ASHES!
SO.......ALL HER, AND LET HER KNOW THAT YOU HAVE THOUGHT IT OVER AND THAT YOU WILL INDEED MAKE SURE THAT "PATCHES" HAS A HAPPY OME ON YOUR MANTLE...IF SHE GOES BEFORE YOU....
TRY TO STAY CALM....I KNOW IT IS HARD...MY MAMA HAS ALZHEIMERS AND IT WILL TEAR YOUR NERVES UP SO BAD.
LOVE YA,
CARLENE
At some point you just have to accept that you have any say in how aging/ill relatives conduct their business. It's hard as hell, Kathy. But you need to just cry the tears and let it go. Help if you can and know you tried. I'm at that point with both parents. I can grieve right along with you.
warm hug,
Russ
My mom does these sort of things. She has these dramatic illnesses that she reveals only after she's suffered in some weird twist of "I didn't want you to worry" "see... I suffered alone and didn't burden you with it" and it's total crap. It's passive aggressive big time guilt tripping and I just stopped taking those trips. I told her firmly... "I am here for you... I care about you... I love you... I want to be with you when you're going thru things... but I will not be manipulated and if you choose to suffer alone, you will". I don't get all caught up in it any more. Grown ups have to take responsibility for their own health. If she wasn't of sound mind... that would be another thing. My mom uses "illness" to control us and me and my four brothers have stopped it. I'm rambling... it's early but... don't play those games... you'll only make things worse.
*hugs*
heather
I don't know how old your mom is. I do know we never stop needing
& loving them and I know too, that sometimes they are painfully pains-in-zee-butts! Accept who she is. Love who she is and let her decide what she needs to do after encouraging her to take care of herself there isn't much more you can do.
I feel like what she wanted was just a kind word . But she went about it the wrong way, though giving her age, and possible mental state, somtimes you just have to go along with her and just tell her "yes mom, i love you, i will do anything you ask. " I can see why you wanted her to see the doctor, maybe she didnt want to hear that, but she kind of asked for it. im sorry about the pain and worry she is causing. maybe she can not help it. give her some grace, and understaning, maybe that is all she wanted. God Bless
Christine
I don't know what you can do to help her. But I will pray. Love and hugs, Shelly
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