I am still living in a daze.
Two weeks ago mom goes to the hospital because of severe confusion.
Then this past Thursday an oncologist walks into her hospital room saying she has terminal cancer.
Tuesday mom came home from the hospital. A hospital bed and oxygen was delivered to her home.
Today in walks 2 ladies from Hospice. One is a nurse and the other a case worker.
Questions......is there a living will? power of attorney? does she want anyone to try CPR or whatever when the time comes? any final wishes? made any final plans?
Mom doesn't look like she has cancer. She doesn't look like she is going to die anytime soon. Are the doctors sure? Can she really have just a few months to live?
I am so glad to have mom home. It is better for her and it is way less stress for me. (For me? Should I be thinking about what is easy for me? She is dying. I am such a horrible person.) She lives just around the corner and being there is better than the hospital. And try as hard as I could I never could seem to be at the hospital when most of the doctor visits were. I would always seem to just miss them.
Thanks so much for everyone's thought's and prayers. I am still in a state of shock. This is all happening way too fast. Too fast. If I put off doing something today for mom, is she going to be there the next day? This is just way too fast. I can't get my head around it.
I don't think mom has totally "got it" yet. She told me she doesn't feel sick. When Hospice came I had to give her something for anxiety. She can't seem to talk about it. Hopefully she will be able to talk to one of Hospice's counselors or Chaplin. I know she must have fears and concerns that she just won't talk about to me or dad. I do know that she worries about me. She's dying and she worries about me! Mom has always put me (and my brother) before herself.
Mom and dad still argue. Gesh. The man knows she is dying and yet he is still willing to start arguements.
My brother did come visit when I called him to say mom had cancer. He spent the biggest part of the day at the hospital with her. He didn't call me while he was in town. He said it didn't want to "be around you crying all the time.". I love you too big bro! He says mom's old. At least she knows when she is going to die. The rest of us don't. Ok, everyone is different. But gosh he sure sounds cold when I do talk to him. Actually if it wasn't for mom the two of us probably wouldn't be talking at all.
Sorry to be such a cry baby. I am so sorry that I am thinking about me in the least bit. I know there are those of you with huge problems -- maybe you even have cancer or some other illness yourself -- and that I should get a grip. The whole cycle of life crap that Disney has in their movies (Lion King).
But I was born a worrier. I was born a crier. It's what I do. It is the two talent's that God gave me and I am very very good at them.
Kathy
22 comments:
Death is always hardest on the ones left behind. I'm glad that your mom is not in pain and feeling well at this point. My own parents were not so lucky and suffered very much especially the last month of their lives. Both died of different types of cancer they say. Will we really ever know??? There is nothing wrong with crying. Spend what time you can with your Mom and talk about the things important to you both. My mom was a great story teller and told us over and over tales of the family. Sorry about your brother, I had my 2 sisters and we 3 supported each other. 'On Ya' - ma
Make her comfortable and everyday as good as you can for her. God Bless you and your family.
I have lost many to cancer, it is a horrible thing.
I pray someday they find a cure.
You need to make everyday left with her count!! Sending big hugs.
Missie
Wishing you strength for times ahead, Kathy. I hope your mom can be made comfortable as things progress.
Guido
To lose a parent, Kathy, I feel is the worse thing that can happened to someone other than losing a child. It is good your Mom is home, spend all the time you can with her. Was there ever a second opinion sought about all this. My dad fought with my Mom too when she was so ill, hard to understand that. I have also lost a lot of loved ones to cancer. God bless you and your Mom and your family. Will say prayers for you and your Mom. Your brother seems very cold and uncaring, that is very sad.
(((((((((((((((HUGSTOYOU))))))))))))))))))))My heart goes out to you.
Oh, dear you are NOT horrible!! What's easiest and best for you at this point also translates into easiest and best for mom. I think I'd tell her if she doesn't feel sick to live each day like she has another 30 years on earth!! Praise God she doesn't feel sick!! Help her make the most of this time she feels good. No matter what the future holds, she'll have richer days and you'll have more beautiful memories. Every so often a person totally amazes the doctors and beats all the odds for no explainable reason. I call it a miracle or God's grace. She might be one of those people. Or she might not be. Only time will tell the tale. I suppose what I'm trying to say is be prudent and prepare for the worst, but live each day savoring and expecting the best. That's really all any of us can do. - Barbara
It will be a tough test for you -- I know all too well...but remember to take care of yourself as well as your mom and the rest of the family.
(((((hugs)))))
Russ
I think Barbara said it all, Far better then I could have.
My prayers continue to be with you and your Mom.
God Bless,
Tia
Sweetie you are in no way a horrible person. Embrace the time you have with your Mom. She is home and that is a blessing for you and her.
Be a daughter and let her be a Mom.
Hugs and much love and strength to you my friend.
Deb
Kathy~
I sent an e-mail to you, and I hope I had the right address.
I'm sorry that you have to even know cancer.
Many prayers sent your way....
Angel
I love you.
Me
many hugs to you and your mom.Your dad just doesn't want to face it-so he is fighting it when he argues..your mom understands....
connie
I can only imagine how you must feel because I have lost so many in my life and it hurts. I think it's natural for you to be thinking about yourself. You are the one who will have to carry on when she is gone, she will be in a better place.
Everyone reacts to things differently, maybe your brother and your dad, just have not taken in reality yet, or are in shock.
Hospice is a wonderful blessing, I've dealt with them before. I am so glad that they are going to be a part of this and they are there for you too.
All the logical things that you have to deal with right now, those are the things that Hospice will help you with and more. Don't be afraid to talk to them, ask questions and lean on them.
I pray that the Lord will hold you all in his wonderful loving hands. I pray that he will give you strength, clarity of mind and I pray that your mother is saved.
God bless you, in my prayers.
I am so sorry!
I am praying for your mom and for you and your entire family!
love,
Michelle
Just checking in.
{{{{{{{{{my blue fairy}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Dear K-
Just a wish that your family can be together today, and that you know we're thinking about you.
Much Love and a Humungous Hug-
Andi & Co.
I hope everything goes well with your mom...I am praying for your family....The questions you pose now are great and the right timing.
amy
Just checking in on you. Know my thoughts are with you still.
Angel
just to say,i am a carer for my mum. i love my mum. so i understand how you must be feeling. my deepest sympathy and prayers take care mort xx
Just checking in. I'm thinking about you.
xoxo
My Mom was diagnosed with cancer only 2 months before she died, and she too, looked perfectly healthy. She too, wanted to die at home so we used Hospice, they had us get that hospital bed, her attorney made sure of her Advance Directive (Living Will) and she herself went around to each of us and asked what we wanted from the house. When you're prepared, it helps at the time of their death. Nothing wrong with falling to pieces, crying for weeks, not wanting to move or speak or even eat. It's called mourning, grieving and it's natural to do even while your loved one is still living. Feel what you feel for as long as you need to, then let it flow back into the universe. Death is a beginning. People who say "live with it" will be confused when they have to die with it. CATHY
http://journals.aol.com/luddie343/DARETOTHINK/
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