I have decided for reasons that really aren't clear to me to close out this journal and start a new one. Maybe one day I will understand why I feel a need to do this. Maybe I will even come back here one day. But for now you can find me over here: Chasing The Wind
Kathy
Several new entries over here: Forever Forward Bet you forgot about that journal. Wouldn't blame you. I haven't added to it in a long time.
Kathy
Tomorrow is it. The big day. The once a year day. The day I try to celebrate for about a week or so.
Yep. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my 21st birthday. Which anniversary? Ha Ha. You know a lady NEVER tells her age! Let's just say that if you take how old you think you'll be when you die and divide it in half......that makes me past middle age. Oh my goodness..........
Other news.......
My aunt's house hasn't sold yet. There is a problem with some paper work. The other guy's lawyer is being a pain in the butt. The sale may still happen if the lawyers can get their act together.
Someone stole some stuff from the back of my dad's house sometime in the past 2 or 3 days. Great. The big thing was a chain saw. Dad has a light out back that has a motion sensor on it. The thieves busted out the light! The nerve!
Dad and I went to visit my great aunt N. She lives in a nursing/assisted living place about 30 minutes from here. I hadn't actually seen her since I was a little kid. I spoke to her on the phone a few times when mom was sick. I have been writing and sending her cards for about a year now. She wrote me into her will so I figure the least I can do is go for a visit. She didn't recognize me (or dad) at first. Had to tell her who we where (that is how long since we have seen each other.)
Got myself a few computer games for my birthday. I like the "CSI: Miami" one. I don't watch the show but the game is cool.
Take care.
My first birthday without mom. It still doesn't seem real.
Kathy
PS: Hey, J-land is coming up on it't 5 year anniversary! Can ya believe it? I have been here almost since the very beginning! WOO HOO
Just got a call from the real estate agent. The buyer's attornery want all these forms and crap since mom's estate isn't "final" yet. I don't know what the stuff is or how to get it. And I can assure you I won't be able to get all the running around done by Monday. There is no way. Why did they wait until the last minute to ask for all this stuff? Why the heck do they want a list of my aunt's survivors? The house was in my mom's name.
This is crap, crap, crap, and more crap. I guess the house won't get sold after all. Crap.
Crap.
Kathy
My mom's sister died 3 years ago this month and we have be trying to sell her house ever since. We finally got a offer (tons less than we were asking but we want to be rid of the house) and today dad got a call from the real estate agent. We need to go to the lawyer by Friday to sign the papers and everything will be over on Monday!!!! I am so happy.
Dad has been spending money on that house-- paying taxes, electric bill, having the yard mowed, etc..... so it is great to finally get it off our hands.
The next best part: The plan all along has been to take the money from the sale of the house and use it to pay off my house! Oh yeah!!! Can't image not having to make house payments. But I can really use the money towards other things. My mom was paying my cable/internet bill and for my visits to the shrink ($75 a visit), dad is trying to help on those things but it is best if I can find a way to work it out by myself. With no house payments it will be much easier.
WOO HOO!
On the bad part of life:
I still haven't heard from my brother. Maybe I should call him again. Maybe not. I just don't know.
My birthday is coming up next week and it is already hard trying to decide on how to celebrate it without mom. It is really hard. I know I will get through it somehow but at the moment it doesn't feel like it.
Kathy
The last time I spoke to my brother was when I called him to tell him that mom had died. I asked him to call his 2 daughters that no longer live at home and tell them. He said ok.
I got a call from my niece N last week asking about mom. I started crying and ask didn't her dad call her? No, he hadn't. I felt so bad. I told her about mom and she said "I don't know what to say" I said that I was so sorry and I should have called her myself.
My dad spoke briefly to my brother on the day we buried mom. He said he wasn't coming to the funeral.
I called my brother a week ago Friday. I got his voice mail so I left a message asking him to call me or dad.
So far neither I nor dad has heard from him.
So now what?
Maybe I made him mad. A day or so after the funeral I mailed him a copy of the funeral program thingy the funeral home prints out.
Dad says that since mom is no longer here that we won't hear from him again. I have always felt that would be true but I guess I had hoped it wouldn't be so. Mom so wanted to believe that my brother and would be close. She thought right before she died that he was changing and would be here for me. Guess she was wrong.
Kathy
On June 3rd it will have been a month since mom passed.
Tags: brother, niece, moms funeral, phone call,
My dad and I went to visit his sister Betty today. She lives about 45 minutes away. While going down this country road I see this HUGE bird. No wait could it be a wild turkey? Heck no! There sitting in someone's front yard (well one was chowing down on some poor dead animal) are 2 (count 'em one, two) vultures! I have seen pictures of the birds and on Animal Planet but never in real life. Such a strange sight to see. Oh if you are eating you don't want to read about their eating habits right now. Ick.
And to toon guy (and everyone else who loves reading reviews) who loves to give his reviews on foods, have you read this? Potato Chip Taste Test - AOL Food Am I the only one that hasn't heard of most of these chips? Do I need to spend more time on the chip aisle at the grocery store? Just hand over some Lay's chips and I am fine.
Cat laing om my right hand. Typung with left hand hard. Sophie wont move. Guess i will have to shut up now. lol
Kathy
Easier? Everyone says that the pain of losing a loved one gets easier with time. While that may be true in the long run in the short term it isn't true. It seems to be getting harder every day for both me and my dad.
Ok, so maybe a year from now it may be easier but right now it is getting harder. And lucky me my birthday is next month. It is going to be hard. I know it.
My dad wants to stay busy. He wants to be on the go. Hard to keep doing when you don't have much money but we try. I like getting out also but some days I just want to stay put in my my house. This bugs my dad. He says I should stay busy. Ok, there are tons of stuff I can do around my house (and his house) but if I don't stay home it won't get done. And some days I just don't want to do anything. And I think to a certain extent that is ok.
I heard part of this song on the TV show Zoey 101 which is on the Nickelodeon network. It's a pretty cool song. I tried to copy/paste the words but I can't get it to copy from this website. Sorry. But here is the link: NEWSBOYS - MILLION PIECES (KISSIN' YOUR CARES GOODBYE) LYRICS)
Kathy
This is a long video (almost 7 minutes), but it you have the time and you like cats you should watch it.
This J-lander just lost her grandmother unexpectedly (at least I think it was unexpected my mind is a mess these days.) please go and leave some cyber hugs.
In Memory of a Beautiful Woman
Kathy
Went to the doctor the other day. I have lost 20 pounds since my last visit (which was in Feb). My blood work came back good, and my diabetes is better (so the note he sent said). All this is great news. I haven't exactly been exercising or eating the way I should these past few months.
Today I went to the support group for people with mood disorders. Haven't been in a long time. I promised mom that I would start going back. So I feel that I have made a huge step towards life again.
Going through mom's things is hard. Doing all the legal stuff is heart breaking. I won't bore you with details and tears. Just know it's hard.
Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, is telling me that my brother may be going through his own personal hell with mom's death and that I should not be so hard on him. The further away from the funeral the less hard I feel towards Bro, but I have a ways to go yet. If he would just say what is going on instead of avoiding everyone.
Two of my aunts are in the hospital. Both are my dad's sisters. One has that Merser (the staph infection thing) and the other fell and hurt her back. They are both in different cities. That's the problem with dad's family -- no one lives in the same place!
Life is going on. I guess it has been all along but I just wasn't going along with it. I'm starting to though. It's tough. But I think I'll make it. I think.....
Kathy
Everyone seems to think I am being hard on my brother. Maybe I am. Maybe something inside of me will soften. But right now I am deeply, deeply hurt.
And the fact that this coming Sunday is Mother's Day isn't helping anything. Even before mom passed Mother's Day's ads were all over the place. Every time I saw/heard one it feels like a knife stabbing into me.
Dad and I both see a grief counselor on Monday (different counselors but at the same place). I hope we both can come away with something that will help us deal with our feelings better.
Kathy
The above is meant to be sarcastic.
For reasons I don't know my brother didn't come to the viewing or mom's funeral.
I am totally PO'd at him. I don't care what reason he can come up with. I feel hate right now. And though I know it isn't Christian of me to say this........I hope this haunts him and hurts him for the rest of his life. This would have broken mom's heart. How could he be so cold and heartless?
I guess sometime God will help me to forgive my brother. But it will take a very long time. Probably until I die.
Kathy
Kathy's Mom -- Frances
02/26/32 -- 05/03/08
Gone From My Sight
by Henry Van Dyke
I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone"
Gone where?
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"
And that is dying...
*************************
A Mother Finds Rest
— Edgar A Guest
And now she dwells where
Neither doubt nor fear
May find her breast;
No crying child may now
Disturb her here
Or break her rest.
Ended the ache of living.
Here she lies In wondrous peace.
God left a smile about her
Lovely eyes
With her release.
How oft we fretted her
Or caused her pain,
We cannot say.
Long hours she watched
Beside the window pane
With us away.
Her sleep we broke with
Whimpering and sighs
When we were ill.
Nor thought it much to
Rouse her with our cries,
As children will.
But now we suffer so,
And vainly call
For her to come.
Her feet will never tread
Again the hall,
Her lips are dumb.
Love had no more sweet
Service to provide,
But this we know,
She’ll watch us upon the
Other side,
Who tried her so. How oft we fretted her
Or caused her pain,
We cannot say.
Long hours she watched
Beside the window pane
With us away.
Her sleep we broke with
Whimpering and sighs
When we were ill.
Nor thought it much to
Rouse her with our cries,
As children will.
But now we suffer so,
And vainly call
For her to come.
Her feet will never tread
Again the hall,
Her lips are dumb.
Love had no more sweet
Service to provide,
But this we know,
She’ll watch us upon the
Other side,
Who tried her so.
*************************
On the Wings White Dove
by ????
On the wings of a snow-white dove
He sends His pure sweet love
A sign from above (sign from above)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)
When troubles surround us, when evils comeThe body grows weak (body grows weak)
The spirit grows numb (spirit grows numb)
When these things beset us, He doesn't forget us
He sends down His love (sends down His love)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)
On the wings of a snow-white dove
He sends His pure sweet love
A sign from above (sign from above)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)
When Noah had drifted on the flood many days
He searched for land (he searched for land)
In various ways (various ways)
Troubles, he had some but wasn't forgotten
He sent him His love (sent him His love)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)
On the wings of a snow-white dove
He sends His pure sweet love
A sign from above (sign from above)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)
On the wings of a snow-white dove
He sends His pure sweet love
A sign from above (sign from above)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)
Mom is at Hospice.
The doctor said today that she has 1 to 3 days left.
It is pouring rain right now.
How can I live without my mom? I need her.
I can't stand to see her like this.
Lung cancer is HORRIBLE. If you smoke quit!!!!! You don't want to die like this.
Kathy
My dad just called from the hospital. He told me earlier today that he thought he would be coming home tomorrow. Now that doesn't seem like it is going to happen. He says he is as sick or sicker than he was when he went into the hospital.
He finally agrees that a lot of it could also be the stress of mom dying. I told him to tell the nurse/doctor that he thinks thats it. That he needs some help coping and some meds for anexity or something. He said he would have the nurse call me.
My brother has to go home Saturday. So with all the stuff with dad I will have to call Hospice back and see about getting mom on their waiting list for respite care.
This is really getting to be too much. I am so scared that when mom dies dad will have a heart attack and drop dead. I am so scared I will have to bury both parents at the same time.
I know. Things will work itself out somehow and someway. I will be ok. I will be ok.....maybe if I say it long enough I will believe it.....I will be ok........
Kathy
HEY GOD ARE YOU UP THERE? I know that you are only supposed to give me what I can handle but I think you are going too far this go 'round.
Yesterday morning my dad called and said he was sick, too sick to look after mom. So I hurry over there. Dad is really sick and in pain. I asked him if he should go to the doctor. No I'm too sick to go. So I called the doctor and talked to the nurse who talked to another nurse and they told me to call 911.
So I call and the fire department comes (they always come to calls because they can get there faster than the ambulance) then the other paramedics show up. Off dad goes to the hospital.
Hours later dad calls saying they are admitting him and are running all sorts of tests.
So I am having to take care of mom all by myself. No biggie right? Wrong. The later in the day it gets the worse she gets. The weaker she gets. She was NOT going to use a bed side potty chair. I about killed myself getting her to the bathroom and back. She seemed to go every hour or so. Finally I said that's it you have got to use the potty chair.
Today I told her that we were going to have to use the Hospice respite care for a few days. This means her going to Hospice for 5 days while I rest, hopefully get dad home from the hospital, AND I would get a Hospice CNA to teach me how to better handle mom in and out of the bed so I wouldn't hurt myself or her.
Mom didn't want that. She tried thinking of everyone in the world that might could come stay with her at night. Finally she said to call my brother. I'm all like he ain't coming to help take care of you. But I called him and she talked to him. I told him that if he couldn't come and stay 24/7 for a few days not to come.
Low and behold my brother showed up with his suitcases. I would never have believed it if I wasn't there to see it. I left them alone to run some errands. He had to help mom with the potty chair. Guess it went ok. Then when I got back and was on the phone to someone mom tried to get out of bed. Well bro you gotta handle this one 'cause I'm on the phone. I could tell it wasn't going so good. Mom want up and wanted to go to the other end of the house to find some pj's. Bro said he would go get them. Mom said he didn't know what she wanted. I got her calmed down and brought several pairs of pj's for her to chose from. Crisis averted.
Then my brother made a HUGE mistake. He pulled the bed rail up. Mom TOTALLY went off on him. She doesn't want it up. She sat up and looked at him and told him she would get out of that bed. No rails for her!
I was kind of laughing to myself because I knew this would happen and wondered what Bro would do to handle it. He finally gave in and let the rail down. But told her it would go up tonight when he was sleeping.
Yeah right. If he gets any sleep tonight it will surprise me. Either that or he won't be doing his job. Mom is up and down all night wanting this that or who knows what. She will get out of bed and forget what she wanted and lay back down.
So, God you up there? You honestly think Bro is going to be able to hang in there? Did you hear mom tell me that she wanted me to stay tonight and not my dear brother?
PS......Dad will be in the hospital a few more days. He has (I can't spell it and too lazy to look it up, so here is how you sound it out) diver - tic- u - lie - tus. He also has a kidney infection, his potassium was way too high and could have started to effect his heart if not caught in time. He still has dizzy spells don't know where they are coming from.
Kathy
Here is a copy of the latest newletter I got from Snoops.com. Maybe you will find something interesting. You will have to copy/paste the url's into your address window. I copied this from my email and they (snopes.com) fixed the links so you can't just click on them. Wonder why they do that? Oh well, have fun reading.....
Hello again from snopes.com, where we shed light on the wild
tales you've heard! This e-mail gives information about new
articles recently added to the Urban Legends Reference Pages
(http://www.snopes.com) and provides pointers to older pieces
about rumors and hoaxes still wandering into everyone's inboxes.
Our last update mailing was 5 April 2008.
If after this update you are left wondering about something
newly arrived in your inbox, our search engine stands ready to
assist you at http://www.snopes.com/search. Bookmark that URL
-- it's a keeper!
An RSS feed for our What's New page is available at
http://www.snopes.com/info/whatsnew.xml
And now, to the legends, the mayhem, and the misinformation!
New Articles
------------
Humorous accounts of examinations performed on patients.
http://www.snopes.com/medical/emergent/exams.asp
Jilted woman spreads grass seed in her former boyfriend's
apartment.
http://www.snopes.com/love/revenge/seeded.asp
Hilarious letters to advice columnist Dear Abby.
http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/dearabby.asp
Do new U.S. $5 and $10 bills contain printing errors and will
you get rich if you come across one?
http://www.snopes.com/business/money/newmoney.asp
Of women over 40 having a better chance of being killed by a
terrorist than of getting married.
http://www.snopes.com/science/stats/terrorist.asp
The story of Freedom, an injured bald eagle nursed back to
health by a cancer survivor.
http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/freedom.asp
Don't forget to visit our Daily Snopes page for a collection
of odd news stories from around the world!
http://www.snopes.com/daily
Worth a Second Look
-------------------
Of heart attack symptoms that are so subtle they are oft
mistaken for indigestion.
http://www.snopes.com/medical/disease/heartattack.asp
Still Haunting the Inbox
------------------------
Computer virus warnings: Life Is Beautiful, Invitation
(or Olympic Torch), and Postcard (or Greeting Card).
http://www.snopes.com/computer/virus/life.asp
http://www.snopes.com/computer/virus/invitation.asp
http://www.snopes.com/computer/virus/postcard.asp
Political rumors continue to swell around the two leading Democratic
presidential contenders, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/obama.asp
http://www.snopes.com/politics/clintons/clintons.asp
Appeals to find missing children: Ashley Flores, Reachelle
Marie Smith, and Evan Trembley.
http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/missing/ashleyflores.asp
http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/missing/reachelle.asp
http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/missing/trembley.asp
Glade PlugIns air fresheners - fire hazard?
http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/household/glade.asp
Hot scare of the moment: Warning cautions that gang initiates
are bumping their cars into others, then shooting whoever gets
out of the bumped automobiles.
http://www.snopes.com/crime/gangs/carbump.asp
E-mail describes woman who evades a rapist posing as a
policeman by calling #77 (or *677) on her cell phone.
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/mayhem/fakecop.asp
Aspartame: Responsible for an epidemic of cancer, brain
tumors, and multiple sclerosis, or not?
http://www.snopes.com/medical/toxins/aspartame.asp
Warnings about scammers' running up long-distance charges
by asking victims to press #-9-0 on their telephones or luring
phone users into returning calls to numbers within the 809 area
code.
http://www.snopes.com/fraud/telephone/jailcall.asp
http://www.snopes.com/fraud/telephone/809.asp
Various rumors about the U.S. Social Security system.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/socialsecurity/socialsecurity.asp
Gas tips list: Will refueling your vehicle early in the morning
save you money?
http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/household/gastips.asp
E-mail claims the design of new U.S. dollar coins omits the motto
"In God We Trust."
http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/dollarcoin.asp
Various schemes have been kited about how to protest high
gas prices.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/gasoline/gasoline.asp
"Mastercard" wedding tale about vengeful groom who lets
the wedding guests in on what the bride's been up to, then
walks out.
http://www.snopes.com/weddings/embarrass/bothered.asp
Is it safe to re-use plastic water bottles?
http://www.snopes.com/medical/toxins/petbottles.asp
About "huffing" and the death of a teen from misusing
a can of compressed air.
http://www.snopes.com/medical/toxins/dustoff.asp
E-mail claims Starbucks refused to send free coffee to
G.I.s serving in Iraq.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/military/starbucks.asp
E-mail claims Bill Gates, Microsoft and AOL are giving away
cash and merchandise to those who forward an e-mail message.
http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/nothing/microsoft-aol.asp
E-mail claims that entering one's PIN in reverse at any ATM
will summon the police.
http://www.snopes.com/business/bank/pinalert.asp
Fraud Afoot
-----------
Seems like everyone has become the recipient of mysterious
e-mails promising untold wealth if only one helps a wealthy
foreigner quietly move millions of dollars out of his country.
The venerable Nigerian scam has discovered the goldmine that
is the Internet. Beware -- there's still no such thing as
"something for nothing," and the contents of your bank account
will end up with these wily foreigners if you fall in with this.
http://www.snopes.com/crime/fraud/nigeria.asp
Likewise, look out for mailings announcing that you've won a
foreign lottery you don't recall entering or that because you
share the surname of a wealthy person who died without
leaving a will you're in line for a windfall inheritance.
http://www.snopes.com/crime/fraud/lottery.asp
http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/scams/inherit.asp
And be especially wary if, while trying to sell or rent
anything online (car, boat, horse, motorcyle, painting,
apartment, you name it) you're approached by a prospective
buyer who wants to pay with a cashier check made out for an
amount in excess of the agreed-upon price and who asks the
balance be sent to a third party.
http://www.snopes.com/crime/fraud/cashier.asp
Aspiring work-at-homers promised big bucks for acting as
intermediaries for international transactions wherein they
cash checks for other parties or reship goods to them have
been defrauded by con artists. Don't you be next.
http://www.snopes.com/crime/fraud/reshipper.asp
If someone calls to announce you've failed to appear for jury
duty and will be arrested, do not give the caller your personal
and financial information in an effort to prove he's sending
the gendarmes after the wrong guy. You're being tricked into
giving up this information to an identity thief.
http://www.snopes.com/crime/fraud/juryduty.asp
Admin Stuff
-----------
View the latest edition of the snopes.com newsletter online at
http://www.snopes.com/info/updates/current.htm
I read a lovely article in Woman's Day magazine. And lucky you (or unlucky you depending on how you see it) I found it online! It's about being a Designated Daughter. It talks about mom's but I'm sure it can go for dad's also.
Woman's Day Magazine - Bonus Years
I like the "designated daughter" thing. Makes me feel special.
Kathy
Russ does lots of meme's. I thought I would do the latest one he has taken on:
WHAT WHERE YOU DOING TEN YEARS AGO.
10 years ago? Hard to remember that far back! LOL Basically same old stuff I do now. No big life changes for me.
WHAT ARE 5 THINGS ON MY TO-DO LIST TODAY
Since you asked.....I got the old camera out to take some pictures of me and mom and the stupid thing wouldn't work. It's ditigal and for some reason the little extra memory thingy isn't working. So I had to print out and delete the 13 pictures I had on the camera. So they needed to be printed but why isn't the memory chip thing working? I can't find anything that came with my camera. That includes everything to hook it up to my computer........
So finding my camera stuff is number 1 on my list. For the rest of my list: 2 clean out the fridge 3 take out trash 4 figure out how to get past the most recent puzzle on the computer game I am playing 5 gotta remember to get a check in the mail to my lawn mowing guy...
SNACKS I ENJOY
potato chips, cheddar cheese, those Special K snack bars (the ones that are like 90 calories or so. Love the blueberry one)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE A BILLIONAIRE?
Throw money at the cancer research people. (And I would buy out all the tobacco people and shut them down!) Money to helping people get a education so they can work and make money. Finding a way to teach the third world countries that it is ok to use birth control and teach them farming or whatever it takes so they can feed themselves.
BAD HABITS
Me, bad habits? Surely you jest! LOL Lately I have been spending way too much money. I do that when I get depressed. I have got to stop spending!
JOBS I'VE HAD
Cashier at a furniture store, data entry, accounts payable, phone operator for a major catalog company...
Guess that's it for this meme.
Mom is doing ok. She is starting to have bad headaches. I guess the cancer has moved on up.
Kathy
Please visit Mary and leave some kind thoughts and warm hugs for her. She is also going through a difficult time with a parent nearing the end of his life.
Today I took some videos with me to mom's. We watched 2 of my favorite movies. Yeah my favorite. Very few VHS videos floating around these days and that's what mom has.
I laid in bed with mom to watch "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles" (if you have never seen it shame on you!!!! you gotta see it).
Then after some pizza (ok, so I don't keep a real close eye on what I eat when I am with mom. I try to do good, but sometimes.....) we watched "Breakfast At Tiffany's" (again if you have never seen it where have you been? LOL).
And we watched a squirrel hanging off the bird feeders defining all rules of gravity. How do they do that? Actually mom loves watching the squirrel's more so than the birds. I do too.
I told mom about some rings that I saw on Amazon.com. And we decided to order them for us. They are silver and say: Forget Me Not. They aren't really all that great looking, but we like what it says.
A good friend of my dad's died this past Sunday. He went into the ER on Saturday and at some point was put on life support and was then taken off it Sunday afternoon and then he passed. We all knew that he had been sick but I think it was a shock to dad and to his friend's family. John was 69 years old. May he rest in peace.
Love to all of you,
Kathy
Mom is doing ok. For now anyway. On the 13th it will be a month since we got the news of her cancer. She was given just a few months to live. So I don't really know what to expect or when to expect it. I am making an appointment for me to see one of Hospice's grief counselors. It seems so weird to be doing that.
Today mom and I talked about what she wanted to be buried in. I would have never thought I would have that conversation with either of my parents. It was so weird. We were both so calm and talking like we were picking out an outfit for some appointment or outing we were going to have. So very strange.
My brother keeps telling mom he will be down for a visit. (he lives 45 minutes to 1 hour away) He came to visit the day after we got the news of mom's cancer. Mom was in the hospital and I find out today that she doesn't remember him being there. Anyways.....big bro has yet to come see mom since she has been home. I know this bothers her but I don't know what to to tell her.
My oldest niece did come to visit mom the other day (she lives about 1 hour away) She brought her newest boyfriend -- some guy from Mexico that speaks no English. She calls mom all the time.
It is still raining here. Will it ever stop? My grass needs cutting but why bother with all this rain?
Kathy
For some weird reason I have been thinking about this song from my childhood.
I don't think these lyrics are the same as the song my dad used to sing to me but it's close.
copied from: http://www.lookingforlyrics.com/lyricid/42912
There's a hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a hole
There's a hole
There's a hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a log on the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a log on the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a log
There's a log
There's a log on the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a bump
There's a bump
There's a bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a frog
There's a frog
There's a frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a tail on the frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a tail on the frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a tail
There's a tail
There's a tail on the frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a flea on the tail on the frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a flea on the tail on the frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a flea
There's a flea
There's a flea on the tail on the frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a speck on the flea on the tail on the frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a speck on the flea on the tail on the frog on the bump on the log on the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a speck
There's a speck
There's a speck on the flea on the tail on the frog on the bump on the log in thehole in the bottom of the sea
There's a teeny weeny something that's so small you can't see it
On the speck on the flea on the tail on the frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a what?!!
There's........all that stuff in the bottom of the sea
There's a teeny weeny something
There's a teeny weeny something
There's a teeny weeny something.....
On the speck on the flea on the tail on the frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
Let's forget about that teeny weeny something and we'll...
pluck the speck
flick the flea
tweak the tail
flip the frog
move the bump
lose the log
fill up the hole..
in the bottom of the sea...
'Cuz no one wants a hole in the bottom of the sea!!!!
Does anyone know the lyrics to the song about a pig? Not the 3 little pigs. Something like: there was a little pig, uh huh .........left little pig tracks all over the farm.......something farmer.......something wife..........layed down and died un huh, un huh...... Or maybe this is something weird my dad made up?
Why am I remembering stupid little songs from my childhood? Dunno. Wish I could remember the words to the songs though.
So I am rambling a little here. Forgive me. I should stop looking for songs and stop shopping at Amazon.com. I should close up the house and go to bed.
Good Night
Kathy
It has taken me some time, and it is still taking time, but I have finally come to terms with this "gift" that I have been given.
At first I would have never thought of it as a gift. But know I kind of do.
Knowing that mom isn't going to be with us long is a gift. A gift as in time. (That isn't exactlly what I want to say, but it will do.) Knowing that mom has only a few months is giving us time to say the things we want to to each other. To ask questions of one another. To still be able to make some memories. If we didn't know the time was short for her who knows how we would be spending it. It could be quality time lost, lost forever.
It still doesn't seem real. Hospice has offered counseling for all of us. I may take them up on their offer.
*****
On a brighter note. You gotta check out this website: . Missing Money Free Search for Unclaimed Property - Officially endorsed By The States I put my name in there and found 2 places that owe me money! WOO HOO. Gotta mail a form into the government and I'll get over $100 (combined) from the two places! This is what I call "found money". And to me "found money" isn't for bills or whatever. It is for shopping!
********
Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers.
Kathy
I am still living in a daze.
Two weeks ago mom goes to the hospital because of severe confusion.
Then this past Thursday an oncologist walks into her hospital room saying she has terminal cancer.
Tuesday mom came home from the hospital. A hospital bed and oxygen was delivered to her home.
Today in walks 2 ladies from Hospice. One is a nurse and the other a case worker.
Questions......is there a living will? power of attorney? does she want anyone to try CPR or whatever when the time comes? any final wishes? made any final plans?
Mom doesn't look like she has cancer. She doesn't look like she is going to die anytime soon. Are the doctors sure? Can she really have just a few months to live?
I am so glad to have mom home. It is better for her and it is way less stress for me. (For me? Should I be thinking about what is easy for me? She is dying. I am such a horrible person.) She lives just around the corner and being there is better than the hospital. And try as hard as I could I never could seem to be at the hospital when most of the doctor visits were. I would always seem to just miss them.
Thanks so much for everyone's thought's and prayers. I am still in a state of shock. This is all happening way too fast. Too fast. If I put off doing something today for mom, is she going to be there the next day? This is just way too fast. I can't get my head around it.
I don't think mom has totally "got it" yet. She told me she doesn't feel sick. When Hospice came I had to give her something for anxiety. She can't seem to talk about it. Hopefully she will be able to talk to one of Hospice's counselors or Chaplin. I know she must have fears and concerns that she just won't talk about to me or dad. I do know that she worries about me. She's dying and she worries about me! Mom has always put me (and my brother) before herself.
Mom and dad still argue. Gesh. The man knows she is dying and yet he is still willing to start arguements.
My brother did come visit when I called him to say mom had cancer. He spent the biggest part of the day at the hospital with her. He didn't call me while he was in town. He said it didn't want to "be around you crying all the time.". I love you too big bro! He says mom's old. At least she knows when she is going to die. The rest of us don't. Ok, everyone is different. But gosh he sure sounds cold when I do talk to him. Actually if it wasn't for mom the two of us probably wouldn't be talking at all.
Sorry to be such a cry baby. I am so sorry that I am thinking about me in the least bit. I know there are those of you with huge problems -- maybe you even have cancer or some other illness yourself -- and that I should get a grip. The whole cycle of life crap that Disney has in their movies (Lion King).
But I was born a worrier. I was born a crier. It's what I do. It is the two talent's that God gave me and I am very very good at them.
Kathy
So it ain't so.
This isn't happening. This just can't be happening. It's a dream. Some horrible nightmare.
The oncologist came in to see mom this afternoon.
It's cancer. It's small cell lung cancer. It has already spread to some lymph nodes between her lungs.
Because of mom's health (other than cancer), her weaked heart, chemo and other treatments will only make her worse. Her quality of life would be horrible. They can't operate.
Dr said to call hospice. Mom has a few weeks maybe a few months to live.
This can't be happening. She didn't have any signs of cancer. That isn't why she went to the hospital. She was supposed to get better and come home. Home without hospice.
Yes, I know. She's 76 years old. She's had a "good life".
But SHE'S MY MOM. SHE CAN'T DIE!!!!
I still need her. I know I'm a grown woman. I know parent's die.
I am on disablity myself. My parents are my world. I don't have friends. I lost the ones I had when I got sick (depression, bipolar whatever you want to call it). My parents are the only people I see/talk to.
I know I need to get out. Find a way to make friends. But it's hard. I even quit going to church because of panic attacks. I have leaned so hard on my parents that I don't know how I can live without one or both of them.
This isn't happening right? I am the one person in this world that isn't supposed to have her mom (or dad) die before them.
We are Christians. I know there is a better life for mom. It doesn't help knowing this. It may help her deal with the idea of dying but it doesn't help me deal with her dying.
This is just a horrible nightmare. When I wake up tomorrow I won't be rushing off to the hospital to talk to the doctor at the crack of dawn. No, I will wake up and call my mom -- at her home -- and we'll talk and make plans for me to come over and make her my "famous" squash casserole that she loves so much. Right?
Or the doctor will be wrong. And mom will live years not weeks/months. Right?
Kathy
From the results of mom's PET scan the doctor truly belives mom has lung cancer and some lymph nodes may also be involved. We won't know 100% until they do a biopsy. Orginally it was to be done Friday but has been moved up to Thursday (tomorrow).
For the biopsy they are going down her throat (well I guess wind pipe really), which I think is better for her. I really don't want her to have to be cut on unless necessary.
She has been having more pain that might be her heart. She is wearing one of those patch thingys. (nitroglysern?)
Sara -- mom's cat -- is missing mom something awlful. She is still bearly eatting. The vet doesn't know what to do. All her blood work seems fine. She is just losing weight and now eatting very little. Mom has her picture up in her hospital room. She misses her too.
It's so weird. We took mom to the hospital because of confusion and stuff, the doctors thought it was coming from her meds and now over a week later and tons of tests we find out she may have cancer (the hunt for cancer started with an X-Ray to see if she had pneumonia.)
l'm tired. I'm not eating right or exercising. My blood sugar is not where it should be. It isn't high enough for me to call the doctor but it isn't were it was - or should be.
Thanks for all the kind words and prayers. I have been needing them.
Kathy
Just when everything seems to be getting better......
Ok where do I start? Gesh I don't know. I'll just give ya highlights:
Mom is still hallucinating. Not bad but still. Doctor is giving her some new meds for that.
They told us she had pneumonia.
Next they said she MAY have a clot in her lungs. Didn't want to give her a CAT scan with a dye to find out for sure because her kidneys aren't doing well right now. So they put her on blood thinner. Blood thinner isn't good because if she was to come home and fall and hit her head she could die.
NOW, the doctor calls me (just now) and said he did another scan of some sort on her lungs and now thinks what they thought was pneumonia looks like a mass or a tumor. So tomorrow they are going to do something called a PET scan.
The doctor hasn't told mom about his new "findings". He will be off for a few days so he wants the doctor that is taking over to tell mom tomorrow. Great. Hopefully I can get to the hospital in the morning before the doctor comes to talk to her. (No one can seem to tell you when a doctor might show up. Which is crazy because these doctors don't have offices outside of the hospital.)
As for mom's cat Sara -- the vet ran $100 worth of tests and found nothing wrong. She had lost another 1/2 pounds. He thinks it could be psychological so put her back on Xanax for a few days. Great a cat that has mental problems. What else could we need? After 2 doses of Xanax Sara started eatting -- ate everything (2 dishes of 2 types of dry food AND a dish with can food) she could find in one night!
So mom may or may not have a tumor in her right upper lung. PET scan will be done tomorrow.
Mom's mental state is tons better from this past Sunday. She isn't as confused as she was. She kept saying today that she thinks she will be coming home tomorrow. I told her the doctor say a few days and not to get her hopes up. I don't know how she will take the news about her lung. I PRAY that it isn't cancer. Please don't let it be cancer. Please. I don't think mom's poor body can handle it. I don't know if she can really wrap her mind around what is going on.
Kathy
Quick entry.
Yesterday around lunch time we had to have mom taken to the hospital via ambulance.
She was admitted to the hospital. Tons of tests.
Today she was transferred to the Critical Care Unit because her blood pressure dropped and heart slowed down to 38 beats.
Hopefully everything came from the med's she was on.
Waiting for more tests and another doctor to see her.
And her cat is also sick. Losing weight (about a pound, which is a lot for a cat) and didn't eat today. I will take the cat to the vet tomorrow. I hope Sara (the cat) doesn't have cancer or anything. Mom loves that cat and if something were to happen to it now I don't know how mom would take it.
Kathy
I'm really worried about mom. I am so confused on what to do.
Mom has apparently been hallucinating some lately. I thought maybe was because of one of her meds so we decided she would quit taking it. But she had another "spell" this morning. It's weird, she sees her family members that are dead.
I am trying to get in touch with her doctor. But this is scary to me. Especially since mom is seeing/talking to dead family members. I guess she finds them comforting, but I find it scary. Is it a sign of some kind? I am freaking out.
Kathy
Finally got a nurse at the doctor's office to talk to me. We talked about mom's meds and whether or not for mom to come in. Mom has an appointment Thursday with a neurologist and we are going to wait for that appointment. However the nurse is going to talk to mom's doctor and let her know what is going on. If the doctor thinks I should do something differently she will call me.
First a few links.
This is a cool site. I found this drawing of a banana which kind of reminds me of all of the pear cartoon's ToonGuy has been sharing. Check it out:
MyToons Animation - Artwork - Play - Banana.
With this link I'm going to send you to snopes.com first so you will see that it is true:
Urban Legends Reference Pages: Five for Fighting - Autism Speaks
And this is the site it is talking about:
And if you want to contribe a video to the site:
And a site for you creative types:
Smilebox - Slide shows, scrapbooking, free ecards, postcards, and more.
Today I finally took all of mom's pill bottles away from her. I had been putting her meds in those pill boxes that has a little compartment for every day of the week. I labeled the boxes one for morning and one for night. I left out her pain pills and anxiety meds and put the rest in a box across the room from her bed. I explained everything to her.
Mom was actually getting to feel better (as I found out she wasn't talking all her meds or not taking them as often as she should). So I think problem solved.
I was wrong.
This morning she gets up and takes the meds in the little pill box thingy like she should. Then for some strange reason she gets up and gets the box from the other side of the room and takes out a bottle of pills for dizzyness (she is supposed to take it twice a day and I have it in her little pill box) and takes one.
I go to mom's after I eat breakfast and she is throwing up. I find out about her taking a extra pill. I ask her why and we get into this long conversation and anyway she said that wasn't what made her sick it was the Goody powder she took.
I put my foot down and put all her meds (except the pain and anxiety pills) in a bag and bring them home with me. She wasn't happy about it but I can't take a chance on her accidently overdosing on something.
If we had hid the meds in another part of the house I know she would hunt until she found them, that is why I brought them home instead of letting dad do something with them.
Mom goes to the doctor tomorrow. I told her if her doctor says she can have her meds back I will bring all the bottles back. If for some strange reason her doctor doesn't back me up on this I may end up in jail for killing the doctor!
I don't mind sorting mom's pills out into those little boxes once a week, but I can't continue to let mom keep the bottles in her room. I just can't.
The weather is great here. Feels like spring.
Supposed to be a lunar eclipse tonight. Am I gonna go outside and look at it? Doubtful. Oops, I am wrong. I just looked at the site NASA has. It is February the 20th. Here's where you can read more about it if you want:
NASA - Total Lunar Eclipse: February 20, 2008
If you see it write about it. I would say take a picture but I don't think that would work so great. LOL
Take care,
Kathy
I'm always last to find great sites. But maybe you haven't seen this one yet.
moar humorous pics
I'm guessing most of you know about the new(er) journal that pharmolo put up. It's --in his words -- A central point to flag up those in J-land who are need of moral support. You can check it out here: Call for Support.
Kathy
Friday I went to the doctor. From my last visit (December 28th) to this past Friday I have lost 4 pounds!!! WOO HOO And you know what? It really wasn't all that hard. Oh yeah I have complained some but the new "diet and exercise" routine is going ok. Ok, I'm supposed to think it of a life change or whatever instead of a "diet" so maybe that is what is helping. And my 2 scheduled snacks are a big help in me cutting back on stuffing my face:)
I really don't like veggies that much but found that I do like some of the Green Giant's "Simply Steamed" microwave able veggies pretty good. And you know what? Morning Star's Veggie Burger isn't all that bad. I have put it on a plate and added catsup to it instead of putting it on a bun. I eat it with the steamed veggies.
As far as exercising I have been doing about 20 minutes 5 or 6 days a week. I do those circle the word puzzles while riding my exercise bike. I average about 1 puzzle page per 10 minutes (I'm slow I know). It really helps to get my mind off the fact that I am riding the bike. In case you are wondering (why I don't know, but you might) you can see the bike I bought -- at the same place I got it -- here -->> Kathy's exercise bike
The poll on computer video games in my last entry? I had bought this great sounding game Crime Stories and when I started to play I discovered it was pretty hard. The first part was to get the guy dressed, get his car keys and out of the house. Took me forever, I mean HOURS to get that done. I plug along but don't seem to get anywhere so I search the web for some help. I found a great cheat (as opposed to ordering the answers for $10 -- hey I already paid $20 for the game). Anyway I started reading the cheat and it hits me that I would have NEVER figured out some of the parts by myself. Whoever came up with this game is crazy. Oh I would recommend the game, but I would also recommend you get a cheat printed out and check it when you found yourself stuck for hours on end.
Mom's CT scan didn't show anything. So she will be going to see a Neurologist (?) later this month. We'll see what happens.
Ta for now,
Kathy
By the weather you would think it was summer -- well at least spring -- here in the great old state of North Carolina! We really haven't had any winter weather here where I live. I think I have worn a coat only 3 or for days this winter!
Picked up my new glasses Tuesday -- on my way to the dentist, they are both on the same street -- love them! Having a little trouble getting used to them. Well only when I am on the computer. But I am sure the adjustment time will be short.
After picking up my glasses I just made my dentist appointment. No, no bad news just a regular check up and cleaning. But I had a horrible time there. Not with the cleaning but with the people. I guess I am just too sensitive lately. I told the hygienist that I have diabetes because I know it is important to keep a check on my gums because of it. So what does she say to me? Do you get diabetes because of heredity or because of your weight? Huh? Does it matter? Wait......did she just call me fat?
After the cleaning the new dentist comes in to check my teeth. I can not stand this woman. She is married to my dentist so there is no point in complaining to him about her. Any ways......she talks about the fact that I grind my teeth when I sleep. I have had 2 night guards that I have bought from them over the years and I just grind them to bits in no time. And they are EXTREMELY expensive. I told Dr. Wife to my real dentist that I couldn't afford to keep buying the night guards. Then I get this HUGE lecture about the damage being done to my teeth and how I MUST get another night guard. I am practically in tears when she finally says that I could buy a temporary one at the drug store or Wal-Mart.
So I go to Wal-Mart and get this "temporary" night guard for less than $20. Temporary my hiney. After this one gets all chewed up I'll buy another one just like it. No more $450. 00 (that's right I paid FOUR HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS for the last night guard I got at the dentist office).
After the dentist I stop by Subway to get something to eat before going to pick up mom. I was taking her to the doctor so I could talk to the doctor about things. Doctor's visit went well. Some med changes and some dropped. And then the doctor wanted mom to have at CAT scan (or is it CT scan?). So we headed over to the place and waited our turn to have that done.
The doctor's office called today to say the CAT scan didn't show anything and she wants mom to see a Neurologist (?). So she has an appointment for that on the 28th.
Kathy
I'll explain why the poll next time.
I really don’t know what to think anymore.
Mom stopped taking the Ambein CR and started acting and behaving a lot better. But every time she has problems sleeping she takes it out on dad. And dad starts thinking about leaving or putting mom in a nursing home. Now he’s thinking about getting a dog. He KNOWS that will really set mom off if he does.
I am supposed to go to the doctor with mom on Tuesday. I have no idea what I am supposed to say to the doctor now. I mean mom is tons better than when we made the appointment.
I am eating better. My diabetes "diet" isn’t too bad. I am eating more veggies than ever and cut way back on red meats.
The exercising is a little harder for me. I’m trying and I will slowly get up to what the doctor wants me to do.
My house is such an unorganized mess. I am trying really hard to get things in order.
I know everyone is tired of my griping and complaining. I know I have it a lot better than some. So I’ll try to do better. I used to never (well almost never) complain when I first started this journal. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know why I have just about lost all interest in journaling and being online. I have even quit the grahics groups I were in. I haven’t opened my google email in ages.
So basically life is the same old same old. Oh I did go to the eye doctor yesterday. Gonna get a new pair of glasses. (New glasses always seem to lift you up for a few days.) My eyes hadn’t changed all that much but just enough to get a different perscription.
Kathy
The hard part of living with diabetes is watching what and how much food I stuff into my mouth. Harder still is that I have always been an emotional eater. Now I can't be so much. NOW I need my comfort food (that has been slowly killing me). I did get the exercise bike (treadmills are just too big for my small rooms). Haven't had it long enough to have spent much time on it. And now I really don't want to. I could care less.
I just want to climb in bed pull the covers over my head and sleep. And stay that way until everything goes away.
Dad seems bound and determined to get mom put into a nursing/assisted living place. I don't see what he sees that is so bad. But then I don't live there. I feel like he just doesn't want to take care of her. There it is, I said it. I think my dad just plain doesn't want to look after her.
Mom can still get to the bath room by herself. She can dress herself (takes forever though). She can fix herself a snack (cheese on crackers). She might could fix a meal but she gets so she staggers around and you just know she is going to fall. She does get up in the middle of the night and see something on the floor and try to pick it up only to fall (or almost fall, she grabs onto stuff on the way down).
Mom and Dad argue more often than not. My mom has turned into some what of a b****. But she is almost 76 years old. But it gets to my dad and he will argue with her only to feel bad about it later.
I can't do much of anything unless I was to bring mom to live with me. But I really don't think that is a good idea. So I am basically stuck with going along with whatever dad decides to do. Maybe something else will happen. I did get him to call this place to see what services they offer (or know about at other places) to help keep elderly people in their homes. He's waiting on a call back from them so I don't know what will happen there.
Mom gets so confused easily. She isn't really mom anymore. But she does know that dad is thinking of putting her in a nursing home. And she ain't happy about it at all.
Kathy
I am starting to learn how to be a diabetic. I got all my testing supplies last week and was taught how to use them correctly. Not very hard at all. And the stick (to get blood) isn't really painful at all. It's more of a mental pain I think. LOL
Next week I go for nutrition and diabetes classes. Actually I am looking forward to it. I have known for ages that I needed to eat better but didn't really have a clue how to go about it. Well, I had a few clues but they all involved cooking and turning on that huge thing in the kitchen -- I think it's called a stove? LOL
Supposed to be walking everyday but that just isn't happening. I'm going to get rid of some furniture that I really don't need and get an exercise bike. I think the exercise bike will be easier for me to stick to doing. And maybe I can get caught up on some reading while I pedal away.
I took mom's cat to the vet once again and I just knew we would have to put her to sleep. But that didn't happen. Dr B came up with some pills that we could crush and put in Sara's food (getting a pill into her any other way just won't work we've tried it). Luckily the pill (powder) doesn't have much of a taste as she will eat the food as if nothing is in it.
Sara (mom's cat) has become more calm and loving. And she follows mom's every movement! Dad says every time mom goes into another room there is Sara on her heels. Just like a puppy following you all over the place.
What magical medicine did the vet give Sara? Xanax. Yep, the stuff you give humans! But it is a lot less costly at the vets!
Guess that's it for now. Take care.
Kathy
