Once upon a time Christmas was really fun for me. I loved decorating and shopping.
Some how, somewhere all that changed for me. I guess it was about the time my depression struck in full gear years ago. And it seems to go down hill every year for me. Instead of thinking of Christmases past I think of future ones. Ones where I am all alone. I saw it happen to my Aunt and I see it slowly happening to me.
And now my family is going crazy. I don't know if it is the time of year or if its stuff that was bound to happen sooner or later. I expect it is the latter of the two.
As mom gets older (she's 75 years old) the more hateful she gets towards my dad. And of course my dad acts like a 2 year old (he's 70 years old) and snaps right back at her. Then I get a call from mom telling me how dad is acting. Then I get a call from dad wanting to go somewhere -- he's just gotta get out of the house. I go with him. He drives like an idiot and talks about mom like she is some evil thing. So I get both parents bad mouthing each other. If I stick up for the parent being talked about it makes things worse.
I am sick of dad talking about my mom. It hurts. Mom is having issues with her mind and memory since she was operated on when she fractured her hip. You will not convince me that the anesthesia didn't do something to her brain. I try to overlook some of the things she says. I try to encourage dad to remember that she is taking meds for her "condition". (I refuse to call it Alzheimer's -- yeah some dementia sure) But he seems to refuse to believe she is anything but acting like the devil.
I hate mom talking about dad. But somehow it hurts more when he talks about her. He even got so mad the other day he said he may have to put her in a nursing home because he just couldn't handle her mouth much more. I wanted to scream at himand could have killed him. Really. Mom is physically in pretty good shape all things considered. But she is getting grouchy and kinda of mean in her old age -- I will admit to that. She isn't the same person she was say 5 years ago.
I know living with her is probably a lot harder than just me watching from the side lines. But all the fighting is really getting to me. I have tried to tell each of my parents that I don't want to hear about the other one. But it is a lost cause.
I don't know if it will get to the point that my dad says enough is enough or if it will just be an never ending battle until one of them passes away.
I don't know how to handle all this. I love my parents, really I do. But all of this (with my depression thrown in) is really getting to me.
Kathy
Tags: parents, fighting, dementia, depression
13 comments:
The one thing we can never do is change our parents.
My Dad used to drive me insane, he died in 2001 - NOW I miss him.
Enjoy them it is who they are
http://www.live365.com/stations/kafkasworld
I am so sorry to read you going through such a painful time in your life. I cannot imagine, as my parents divorced when I was 11 yrs. old. My Dad has since passed on and my Mom is my best friend in a lot of ways. She remarried when I was 14 and is still with the same man. I am happy for her, But I also worry about the future. It will be easier for me I would think if my situation turned out to be like yours. He is not my father and I would do all in my power to insure her happiness and well being. But at the same timeI know they love one another and I would be there for him as well. I pray for you and your family. I wish I had some advise, But I dont. Just my prayers.
Toodle's,
Tia
Can't be easy Cathy. Mind you, I think it could be a post-retirement thing. When a couple find themselves together 24/7, the strain can start to show, particularly if the man or the woman went out working.
Kathy - you and I must be going through parallel lives because that is the same exact thing I go through with my folks...my mom did not have surgery...and she has really become hateful towards my dad and the same visa versa...it got so out of hand that my brother moved them closer to him but now it has just gotten worse because neither of them has an out...they are stuck out in the boonies with no friends or family near them - they are totally secluded so to me they are dying faster - they have NOTHING to look forward to...NOTHING to keep them busy...it is breaking my heart.
They both call me still to complain about each other and say terrible things about each other...and when I call my siblings near them - they keep telling me my parents are fine and I really have no idea what is going on...so now I am so lost as to what to feel or do or what is next...
Please know you are not alone...if you need a shoulder I am here...if you want to talk - I am only an IM away....
I hope the spirit of the holiday gets so much more happier and joyful for you!!!
take care - Ellie
Kathy
You have my heart and my prayers as we go headfast into this holiday season. Your's is a difficult postion at best and I hope you can find some balance in all of this. Cherish them both while you have them, they will be gone in what may seem like a flash. My Grandparents on my mother's side acted the same way as they approached their seventies. When they passed, it was within a relatively short time of each other and I miss them with all my might!
Sam
I don't have an answer for you, sweetie. But I do offer my prayers for you and your parents in this difficult phase of life. - Barbara
Cathy, my wife and I are older than your parents. We will celebrate our 54 th wedding university next month. We also have a relationship similar to your parents. My wife drives me up a tree all of the time. We are in reasonable health although she suffer from arthritis and complains a lot. I think that I have the patience of Job and as a result we survive. I spend a lot of time on the computer (7 to 8 hours a day) and she does the same watching TV. I am in the bedroom and she is in the den. As a result we do not spend a lot of time with each other and annoying the other.
Thought I might have some advice or solutions for you but I guess I don't. I can't imagine where we would be if I did not have the computer and a golf outing once a week in season.
Perhaps you could get your father to volunteer someone where so he could get out once in a while.
They will survive since at our age what else can we do?
I guess we can also complain and I know my wife does to the kids and I ignore it since I believe the kids know I can't be as bad as she paints me to be.
Wish I had a magic solution for them and us but I really don't.
Hang in there and good luck, Bill
Alot of older people get like that, to where they complain and you can do nothing to please them. I saw this with my own mom right before she passed away. I think her being in cronic pain, made her more cranky. There should be a support group that maybe could help you.
And yes even when they drive you crazy, you will miss them when they are gone. Try to humor them and make them happy in any way you can. Life is very short.
Good luck hon.
((((((((((((HUGSTOYOU)))))))))))))))I am sorry you are in a ahrd place right now,my Dad,as He is older,He is more cranky also.I will keep you in my prayers and your parents.
Some times after living together for so long the bickering gets to be a habit and they don't even realize how bad it seems to others. As people get older and do less they have more time to sit and think about nit picky things and I've see it happen over and over. Hope you can put it aside and get some joy out of the holiday. 'OnYa'- ma
I'm going thru the same thing with my parents. They'll never divorce though. Peace won't come until one passes away. It's sad isn't it? And us kids are always stuck in the middle.
Missie
Oh Kathy...bless your heart. My Father died when I was young, but my Mom is still alive, and meaner than ever. She's 77 yrs old and she can be the most hateful person in the world at times, and the sweetest person at times. I dont know why she acts the way she acts. Some of the things she says and does really hurt people, you know? Anyway, I feel your pain sweetie...
Connie
((((kathy))))0
I wish I could say something to make you feel better....
Love and prayers are with you.
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