No title for this entry.

Mom is doing ok.  For now anyway.  On the 13th it will be a month since we got the news of her cancer.  She was given just a few months to live.  So I don't really know what to expect or when to expect it.  I am making an appointment for me to see one of Hospice's grief counselors.  It seems so weird to be doing that.

Today mom and I talked about what she wanted to be buried in.  I would have never thought I would have that conversation with either of my parents.  It was so weird.  We were both so calm and talking like we were picking out an outfit for some appointment or outing we were going to have.  So very strange.

My brother keeps telling mom he will be down for a visit.  (he lives 45 minutes to 1 hour away)  He came to visit the day after we got the news of mom's cancer.  Mom was in the hospital and I find out today that she doesn't remember him being there.  Anyways.....big bro has yet to come see mom since she has been home.  I know this bothers her but I don't know what to to tell her.

My oldest niece did come to visit mom the other day (she lives about 1 hour away)  She brought her newest boyfriend -- some guy from Mexico that speaks no English.  She calls mom all the time.

It is still raining here.  Will it ever stop?  My grass needs cutting but why bother with all this rain?

Kathy

There's A Hole in the Bottom of the Sea

For some weird reason I have been thinking about this song from my childhood.

I don't think these lyrics are the same as the song my dad used to sing to me but it's close.

copied from:  http://www.lookingforlyrics.com/lyricid/42912

There's a hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a hole
There's a hole
There's a hole in the bottom of the sea

There's a log on the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a log on the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a log
There's a log
There's a log on the hole in the bottom of the sea

There's a bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a bump
There's a bump
There's a bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea

There's a frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a frog
There's a frog
There's a frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea

There's a tail on the frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a tail on the frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a tail
There's a tail
There's a tail on the frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea

There's a flea on the tail on the frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a flea on the tail on the frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a flea
There's a flea
There's a flea on the tail on the frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea

There's a speck on the flea on the tail on the frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a speck on the flea on the tail on the frog on the bump on the log on the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a speck
There's a speck
There's a speck on the flea on the tail on the frog on the bump on the log in thehole in the bottom of the sea

There's a teeny weeny something that's so small you can't see it
On the speck on the flea on the tail on the frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a what?!!
There's........all that stuff in the bottom of the sea
There's a teeny weeny something
There's a teeny weeny something
There's a teeny weeny something.....
On the speck on the flea on the tail on the frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea

Let's forget about that teeny weeny something and we'll...
pluck the speck
flick the flea
tweak the tail
flip the frog
move the bump
lose the log
fill up the hole..
in the bottom of the sea...

'Cuz no one wants a hole in the bottom of the sea!!!!

Does anyone know the lyrics to the song about a pig?  Not the 3 little pigs.  Something like:  there was a little pig, uh huh .........left little pig tracks all over the farm.......something farmer.......something wife..........layed down and died un huh, un huh......  Or maybe this is something weird my dad made up? 

Why am I remembering stupid little songs from my childhood?  Dunno.  Wish I could remember the words to the songs though.

So I am rambling a little here.  Forgive me.   I should stop looking for songs and stop shopping at Amazon.com.  I should close up the house and go to bed.

Good Night

Kathy

A Gift

It has taken me some time, and it is still taking time, but I have finally come to terms with this "gift" that I have been given.

At first I would have never thought of it as a gift.  But know I kind of do.

Knowing that mom isn't going to be with us long is a gift.  A gift as in time.  (That isn't exactlly what I want to say, but it will do.)  Knowing that mom has only a few months is giving us time to say the things we want to to each other.  To ask questions of one another.  To still be able to make some memories.  If we didn't know the time was short for her who knows how we would be spending it.  It could be quality time lost, lost forever.

It still doesn't seem real.  Hospice has offered counseling for all of us.  I may take them up on their offer.

*****

On a brighter note.  You gotta check out this website:  .  Missing Money Free Search for Unclaimed Property - Officially endorsed By The States  I put my name in there and found 2 places that owe me money!  WOO HOO.  Gotta mail a form into the government and I'll get over $100 (combined) from the two places!  This is what I call "found money".  And to me "found money" isn't for bills or whatever.  It is for shopping!

********

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers.

Kathy

Thanks everyone

I am still living in a daze.

Two weeks ago mom goes to the hospital because of severe confusion.

Then this past Thursday an oncologist walks into her hospital room saying she has terminal cancer.

Tuesday mom came home from the hospital.  A hospital bed and oxygen was delivered to her home.

Today in walks 2 ladies from Hospice.  One is a nurse and the other a case worker.

Questions......is there a living will?  power of attorney?  does she want anyone to try CPR or whatever when the time comes?  any final wishes?  made any final plans?

Mom doesn't look like she has cancer.  She doesn't look like she is going to die anytime soon.  Are the doctors sure?  Can she really have just a few months to live?

I am so glad to have mom home.  It is better for her and it is way less stress for me.  (For me?  Should I be thinking about what is easy for me?  She is dying.  I am such a horrible person.)  She lives just around the corner and being there is better than the hospital.  And try as hard as I could I never could seem to be at the hospital when most of the doctor visits were.  I would always seem to just miss them.

Thanks so much for everyone's thought's and prayers.  I am still in a state of shock.  This is all happening way too fast.  Too fast.  If I put off doing something today for mom, is she going to be there the next day?  This is just way too fast.  I can't get my head around it.

I don't think mom has totally "got it" yet.  She told me she doesn't feel sick.  When Hospice came I had to give her something for anxiety.  She can't seem to talk about it.  Hopefully she will be able to talk to one of Hospice's counselors or Chaplin.  I know she must have fears and concerns that she just won't talk about to me or dad.  I do know that she worries about me.  She's dying and she worries about me!  Mom has always put me (and my brother) before herself.

Mom and dad still argue.  Gesh.  The man knows she is dying and yet he is still willing to start arguements.

My brother did come visit when I called him to say mom had cancer.  He spent the biggest part of the day at the hospital with her.  He didn't call me while he was in town.  He said it didn't want to  "be around you crying all the time.".  I love you too big bro!  He says mom's old.  At least she knows when she is going to die.  The rest of us don't.  Ok, everyone is different.  But gosh he sure sounds cold when I do talk to him.  Actually if it wasn't for mom the two of us probably wouldn't be talking at all.

Sorry to be such a cry baby.  I am so sorry that I am thinking about me in the least bit.  I know there are those of you with huge problems -- maybe you even have cancer or some other illness yourself  -- and that I should get a grip.  The whole cycle of life crap that Disney has in their movies (Lion King).

But I was born a worrier.  I was born a crier.  It's what I do.  It is the two talent's that God gave me and I am very very good at them.

Kathy

 

:::crying:::

So it ain't so.

This isn't happening.  This just can't be happening.  It's a dream.  Some horrible nightmare.

The oncologist came in to see mom this afternoon.

It's cancer.  It's small cell lung cancer.  It has already spread to some lymph nodes between her lungs.

Because of mom's health (other than cancer), her weaked heart, chemo and other treatments will only make her worse.  Her quality of life would be horrible.  They can't operate.

Dr said to call hospice.  Mom has a few weeks maybe a few months to live.

This can't be happening.  She didn't have any signs of cancer.  That isn't why she went to the hospital.  She was supposed to get better and come home.  Home without hospice.

Yes, I know.  She's 76 years old.  She's had a "good life".

But SHE'S MY MOM.  SHE CAN'T DIE!!!!

I still need her.  I know I'm a grown woman.  I know parent's die.

I am on disablity myself.  My parents are my world.  I don't have friends.  I lost the ones I had when I got sick (depression, bipolar whatever you want to call it).  My parents are the only people I see/talk to.

I know I need to get out.  Find a way to make friends.  But it's hard.  I even quit going to church because of panic attacks.  I have leaned so hard on my parents that I don't know how I can live without one or both of them.

This isn't happening right?  I am the one person in this world that isn't supposed to have her mom (or dad) die before them.

We are Christians.  I know there is a better life for mom.  It doesn't help knowing this.  It may help her deal with the idea of dying but it doesn't help me deal with her dying.

This is just a horrible nightmare.  When I wake up tomorrow I won't be rushing off to the hospital to talk to the doctor at the crack of dawn.  No, I will wake up and call my mom -- at her home -- and we'll talk and make plans for me to come over and make her my "famous" squash casserole that she loves so much.  Right? 

Or the doctor will be wrong.  And mom will live years not weeks/months.  Right?

Kathy

:(

From the results of mom's PET scan the doctor truly belives mom has lung cancer and some lymph nodes may also be involved.  We won't know 100% until they do a biopsy.  Orginally it was to be done Friday but has been moved up to Thursday (tomorrow).

For the biopsy they are going down her throat (well I guess wind pipe really), which I think is better for her.  I really don't want her to have to be cut on unless necessary.

She has been having more pain that might be her heart.  She is wearing one of those patch thingys.  (nitroglysern?)

Sara -- mom's cat -- is missing mom something awlful.  She is still bearly eatting.  The vet doesn't know what to do.  All her blood work seems fine.  She is just losing weight and now eatting very little.  Mom has her picture up in her hospital room.  She misses her too.

It's so weird.  We took mom to the hospital because of confusion and stuff, the doctors thought it was coming from her meds and now over a week later and tons of tests we find out she may have cancer (the hunt for cancer started with an X-Ray to see if she had pneumonia.)

l'm tired.  I'm not eating right or exercising.  My blood sugar is not where it should be.  It isn't high enough for me to call the doctor but it isn't were it was - or should be.

Thanks for all the kind words and prayers.  I have been needing them.

Kathy

Update on Mom

Just when everything seems to be getting better......

Ok where do I start?  Gesh I don't know.  I'll just give ya highlights:

Mom is still hallucinating.  Not bad but still.  Doctor is giving her some new meds for that.

They told us she had pneumonia. 

Next they said she MAY have a clot in her lungs.  Didn't want to give her a CAT scan with a dye to find out for sure because her kidneys aren't doing well right now.  So they put her on blood thinner.  Blood thinner isn't good because if she was to come home and fall and hit her head she could die.

NOW, the doctor calls me (just now) and said he did another scan of some sort on her lungs and now thinks what they thought was pneumonia looks like a mass or a tumor.  So tomorrow they are going to do something called a PET scan.

The doctor hasn't told mom about his new "findings".  He will be off for a few days so he wants the doctor that is taking over to tell mom tomorrow.  Great.  Hopefully I can get to the hospital in the morning before the doctor comes to talk to her.  (No one can seem to tell you when a doctor might show up.  Which is crazy because these doctors don't have offices outside of the hospital.)

As for mom's cat Sara -- the vet ran $100 worth of tests and found nothing wrong.  She had lost another 1/2 pounds.  He thinks it could be psychological so put her back on Xanax for a few days.  Great a cat that has mental problems.  What else could we need?  After 2 doses of Xanax Sara started eatting -- ate everything (2 dishes of 2 types of dry food AND a dish with can food) she could find in one night!

So mom may or may not have a tumor in her right upper lung.  PET scan will be done tomorrow.

Mom's mental state is tons better from this past Sunday.  She isn't as confused as she was.  She kept saying today that she thinks she will be coming home tomorrow.  I told her the doctor say a few days and not to get her hopes up.  I don't know how she will take the news about her lung.  I PRAY that it isn't cancer.  Please don't let it be cancer.  Please.  I don't think mom's poor body can handle it.  I don't know if she can really wrap her mind around what is going on.

Kathy