I have decided for reasons that really aren't clear to me to close out this journal and start a new one. Maybe one day I will understand why I feel a need to do this. Maybe I will even come back here one day. But for now you can find me over here: Chasing The Wind
Kathy
Several new entries over here: Forever Forward Bet you forgot about that journal. Wouldn't blame you. I haven't added to it in a long time.
Kathy
Tomorrow is it. The big day. The once a year day. The day I try to celebrate for about a week or so.
Yep. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my 21st birthday. Which anniversary? Ha Ha. You know a lady NEVER tells her age! Let's just say that if you take how old you think you'll be when you die and divide it in half......that makes me past middle age. Oh my goodness..........
Other news.......
My aunt's house hasn't sold yet. There is a problem with some paper work. The other guy's lawyer is being a pain in the butt. The sale may still happen if the lawyers can get their act together.
Someone stole some stuff from the back of my dad's house sometime in the past 2 or 3 days. Great. The big thing was a chain saw. Dad has a light out back that has a motion sensor on it. The thieves busted out the light! The nerve!
Dad and I went to visit my great aunt N. She lives in a nursing/assisted living place about 30 minutes from here. I hadn't actually seen her since I was a little kid. I spoke to her on the phone a few times when mom was sick. I have been writing and sending her cards for about a year now. She wrote me into her will so I figure the least I can do is go for a visit. She didn't recognize me (or dad) at first. Had to tell her who we where (that is how long since we have seen each other.)
Got myself a few computer games for my birthday. I like the "CSI: Miami" one. I don't watch the show but the game is cool.
Take care.
My first birthday without mom. It still doesn't seem real.
Kathy
PS: Hey, J-land is coming up on it't 5 year anniversary! Can ya believe it? I have been here almost since the very beginning! WOO HOO
Just got a call from the real estate agent. The buyer's attornery want all these forms and crap since mom's estate isn't "final" yet. I don't know what the stuff is or how to get it. And I can assure you I won't be able to get all the running around done by Monday. There is no way. Why did they wait until the last minute to ask for all this stuff? Why the heck do they want a list of my aunt's survivors? The house was in my mom's name.
This is crap, crap, crap, and more crap. I guess the house won't get sold after all. Crap.
Crap.
Kathy
My mom's sister died 3 years ago this month and we have be trying to sell her house ever since. We finally got a offer (tons less than we were asking but we want to be rid of the house) and today dad got a call from the real estate agent. We need to go to the lawyer by Friday to sign the papers and everything will be over on Monday!!!! I am so happy.
Dad has been spending money on that house-- paying taxes, electric bill, having the yard mowed, etc..... so it is great to finally get it off our hands.
The next best part: The plan all along has been to take the money from the sale of the house and use it to pay off my house! Oh yeah!!! Can't image not having to make house payments. But I can really use the money towards other things. My mom was paying my cable/internet bill and for my visits to the shrink ($75 a visit), dad is trying to help on those things but it is best if I can find a way to work it out by myself. With no house payments it will be much easier.
WOO HOO!
On the bad part of life:
I still haven't heard from my brother. Maybe I should call him again. Maybe not. I just don't know.
My birthday is coming up next week and it is already hard trying to decide on how to celebrate it without mom. It is really hard. I know I will get through it somehow but at the moment it doesn't feel like it.
Kathy
The last time I spoke to my brother was when I called him to tell him that mom had died. I asked him to call his 2 daughters that no longer live at home and tell them. He said ok.
I got a call from my niece N last week asking about mom. I started crying and ask didn't her dad call her? No, he hadn't. I felt so bad. I told her about mom and she said "I don't know what to say" I said that I was so sorry and I should have called her myself.
My dad spoke briefly to my brother on the day we buried mom. He said he wasn't coming to the funeral.
I called my brother a week ago Friday. I got his voice mail so I left a message asking him to call me or dad.
So far neither I nor dad has heard from him.
So now what?
Maybe I made him mad. A day or so after the funeral I mailed him a copy of the funeral program thingy the funeral home prints out.
Dad says that since mom is no longer here that we won't hear from him again. I have always felt that would be true but I guess I had hoped it wouldn't be so. Mom so wanted to believe that my brother and would be close. She thought right before she died that he was changing and would be here for me. Guess she was wrong.
Kathy
On June 3rd it will have been a month since mom passed.
Tags: brother, niece, moms funeral, phone call,
My dad and I went to visit his sister Betty today. She lives about 45 minutes away. While going down this country road I see this HUGE bird. No wait could it be a wild turkey? Heck no! There sitting in someone's front yard (well one was chowing down on some poor dead animal) are 2 (count 'em one, two) vultures! I have seen pictures of the birds and on Animal Planet but never in real life. Such a strange sight to see. Oh if you are eating you don't want to read about their eating habits right now. Ick.
And to toon guy (and everyone else who loves reading reviews) who loves to give his reviews on foods, have you read this? Potato Chip Taste Test - AOL Food Am I the only one that hasn't heard of most of these chips? Do I need to spend more time on the chip aisle at the grocery store? Just hand over some Lay's chips and I am fine.
Cat laing om my right hand. Typung with left hand hard. Sophie wont move. Guess i will have to shut up now. lol
Kathy
Easier? Everyone says that the pain of losing a loved one gets easier with time. While that may be true in the long run in the short term it isn't true. It seems to be getting harder every day for both me and my dad.
Ok, so maybe a year from now it may be easier but right now it is getting harder. And lucky me my birthday is next month. It is going to be hard. I know it.
My dad wants to stay busy. He wants to be on the go. Hard to keep doing when you don't have much money but we try. I like getting out also but some days I just want to stay put in my my house. This bugs my dad. He says I should stay busy. Ok, there are tons of stuff I can do around my house (and his house) but if I don't stay home it won't get done. And some days I just don't want to do anything. And I think to a certain extent that is ok.
I heard part of this song on the TV show Zoey 101 which is on the Nickelodeon network. It's a pretty cool song. I tried to copy/paste the words but I can't get it to copy from this website. Sorry. But here is the link: NEWSBOYS - MILLION PIECES (KISSIN' YOUR CARES GOODBYE) LYRICS)
Kathy
This is a long video (almost 7 minutes), but it you have the time and you like cats you should watch it.
This J-lander just lost her grandmother unexpectedly (at least I think it was unexpected my mind is a mess these days.) please go and leave some cyber hugs.
In Memory of a Beautiful Woman
Kathy
Went to the doctor the other day. I have lost 20 pounds since my last visit (which was in Feb). My blood work came back good, and my diabetes is better (so the note he sent said). All this is great news. I haven't exactly been exercising or eating the way I should these past few months.
Today I went to the support group for people with mood disorders. Haven't been in a long time. I promised mom that I would start going back. So I feel that I have made a huge step towards life again.
Going through mom's things is hard. Doing all the legal stuff is heart breaking. I won't bore you with details and tears. Just know it's hard.
Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, is telling me that my brother may be going through his own personal hell with mom's death and that I should not be so hard on him. The further away from the funeral the less hard I feel towards Bro, but I have a ways to go yet. If he would just say what is going on instead of avoiding everyone.
Two of my aunts are in the hospital. Both are my dad's sisters. One has that Merser (the staph infection thing) and the other fell and hurt her back. They are both in different cities. That's the problem with dad's family -- no one lives in the same place!
Life is going on. I guess it has been all along but I just wasn't going along with it. I'm starting to though. It's tough. But I think I'll make it. I think.....
Kathy
Everyone seems to think I am being hard on my brother. Maybe I am. Maybe something inside of me will soften. But right now I am deeply, deeply hurt.
And the fact that this coming Sunday is Mother's Day isn't helping anything. Even before mom passed Mother's Day's ads were all over the place. Every time I saw/heard one it feels like a knife stabbing into me.
Dad and I both see a grief counselor on Monday (different counselors but at the same place). I hope we both can come away with something that will help us deal with our feelings better.
Kathy
The above is meant to be sarcastic.
For reasons I don't know my brother didn't come to the viewing or mom's funeral.
I am totally PO'd at him. I don't care what reason he can come up with. I feel hate right now. And though I know it isn't Christian of me to say this........I hope this haunts him and hurts him for the rest of his life. This would have broken mom's heart. How could he be so cold and heartless?
I guess sometime God will help me to forgive my brother. But it will take a very long time. Probably until I die.
Kathy
Kathy's Mom -- Frances
02/26/32 -- 05/03/08
Gone From My Sight
by Henry Van Dyke
I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone"
Gone where?
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"
And that is dying...
*************************
A Mother Finds Rest
— Edgar A Guest
And now she dwells where
Neither doubt nor fear
May find her breast;
No crying child may now
Disturb her here
Or break her rest.
Ended the ache of living.
Here she lies In wondrous peace.
God left a smile about her
Lovely eyes
With her release.
How oft we fretted her
Or caused her pain,
We cannot say.
Long hours she watched
Beside the window pane
With us away.
Her sleep we broke with
Whimpering and sighs
When we were ill.
Nor thought it much to
Rouse her with our cries,
As children will.
But now we suffer so,
And vainly call
For her to come.
Her feet will never tread
Again the hall,
Her lips are dumb.
Love had no more sweet
Service to provide,
But this we know,
She’ll watch us upon the
Other side,
Who tried her so. How oft we fretted her
Or caused her pain,
We cannot say.
Long hours she watched
Beside the window pane
With us away.
Her sleep we broke with
Whimpering and sighs
When we were ill.
Nor thought it much to
Rouse her with our cries,
As children will.
But now we suffer so,
And vainly call
For her to come.
Her feet will never tread
Again the hall,
Her lips are dumb.
Love had no more sweet
Service to provide,
But this we know,
She’ll watch us upon the
Other side,
Who tried her so.
*************************
On the Wings White Dove
by ????
On the wings of a snow-white dove
He sends His pure sweet love
A sign from above (sign from above)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)
When troubles surround us, when evils comeThe body grows weak (body grows weak)
The spirit grows numb (spirit grows numb)
When these things beset us, He doesn't forget us
He sends down His love (sends down His love)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)
On the wings of a snow-white dove
He sends His pure sweet love
A sign from above (sign from above)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)
When Noah had drifted on the flood many days
He searched for land (he searched for land)
In various ways (various ways)
Troubles, he had some but wasn't forgotten
He sent him His love (sent him His love)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)
On the wings of a snow-white dove
He sends His pure sweet love
A sign from above (sign from above)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)
On the wings of a snow-white dove
He sends His pure sweet love
A sign from above (sign from above)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)
Mom is at Hospice.
The doctor said today that she has 1 to 3 days left.
It is pouring rain right now.
How can I live without my mom? I need her.
I can't stand to see her like this.
Lung cancer is HORRIBLE. If you smoke quit!!!!! You don't want to die like this.
Kathy
My dad just called from the hospital. He told me earlier today that he thought he would be coming home tomorrow. Now that doesn't seem like it is going to happen. He says he is as sick or sicker than he was when he went into the hospital.
He finally agrees that a lot of it could also be the stress of mom dying. I told him to tell the nurse/doctor that he thinks thats it. That he needs some help coping and some meds for anexity or something. He said he would have the nurse call me.
My brother has to go home Saturday. So with all the stuff with dad I will have to call Hospice back and see about getting mom on their waiting list for respite care.
This is really getting to be too much. I am so scared that when mom dies dad will have a heart attack and drop dead. I am so scared I will have to bury both parents at the same time.
I know. Things will work itself out somehow and someway. I will be ok. I will be ok.....maybe if I say it long enough I will believe it.....I will be ok........
Kathy
HEY GOD ARE YOU UP THERE? I know that you are only supposed to give me what I can handle but I think you are going too far this go 'round.
Yesterday morning my dad called and said he was sick, too sick to look after mom. So I hurry over there. Dad is really sick and in pain. I asked him if he should go to the doctor. No I'm too sick to go. So I called the doctor and talked to the nurse who talked to another nurse and they told me to call 911.
So I call and the fire department comes (they always come to calls because they can get there faster than the ambulance) then the other paramedics show up. Off dad goes to the hospital.
Hours later dad calls saying they are admitting him and are running all sorts of tests.
So I am having to take care of mom all by myself. No biggie right? Wrong. The later in the day it gets the worse she gets. The weaker she gets. She was NOT going to use a bed side potty chair. I about killed myself getting her to the bathroom and back. She seemed to go every hour or so. Finally I said that's it you have got to use the potty chair.
Today I told her that we were going to have to use the Hospice respite care for a few days. This means her going to Hospice for 5 days while I rest, hopefully get dad home from the hospital, AND I would get a Hospice CNA to teach me how to better handle mom in and out of the bed so I wouldn't hurt myself or her.
Mom didn't want that. She tried thinking of everyone in the world that might could come stay with her at night. Finally she said to call my brother. I'm all like he ain't coming to help take care of you. But I called him and she talked to him. I told him that if he couldn't come and stay 24/7 for a few days not to come.
Low and behold my brother showed up with his suitcases. I would never have believed it if I wasn't there to see it. I left them alone to run some errands. He had to help mom with the potty chair. Guess it went ok. Then when I got back and was on the phone to someone mom tried to get out of bed. Well bro you gotta handle this one 'cause I'm on the phone. I could tell it wasn't going so good. Mom want up and wanted to go to the other end of the house to find some pj's. Bro said he would go get them. Mom said he didn't know what she wanted. I got her calmed down and brought several pairs of pj's for her to chose from. Crisis averted.
Then my brother made a HUGE mistake. He pulled the bed rail up. Mom TOTALLY went off on him. She doesn't want it up. She sat up and looked at him and told him she would get out of that bed. No rails for her!
I was kind of laughing to myself because I knew this would happen and wondered what Bro would do to handle it. He finally gave in and let the rail down. But told her it would go up tonight when he was sleeping.
Yeah right. If he gets any sleep tonight it will surprise me. Either that or he won't be doing his job. Mom is up and down all night wanting this that or who knows what. She will get out of bed and forget what she wanted and lay back down.
So, God you up there? You honestly think Bro is going to be able to hang in there? Did you hear mom tell me that she wanted me to stay tonight and not my dear brother?
PS......Dad will be in the hospital a few more days. He has (I can't spell it and too lazy to look it up, so here is how you sound it out) diver - tic- u - lie - tus. He also has a kidney infection, his potassium was way too high and could have started to effect his heart if not caught in time. He still has dizzy spells don't know where they are coming from.
Kathy
Here is a copy of the latest newletter I got from Snoops.com. Maybe you will find something interesting. You will have to copy/paste the url's into your address window. I copied this from my email and they (snopes.com) fixed the links so you can't just click on them. Wonder why they do that? Oh well, have fun reading.....
Hello again from snopes.com, where we shed light on the wild
tales you've heard! This e-mail gives information about new
articles recently added to the Urban Legends Reference Pages
(http://www.snopes.com) and provides pointers to older pieces
about rumors and hoaxes still wandering into everyone's inboxes.
Our last update mailing was 5 April 2008.
If after this update you are left wondering about something
newly arrived in your inbox, our search engine stands ready to
assist you at http://www.snopes.com/search. Bookmark that URL
-- it's a keeper!
An RSS feed for our What's New page is available at
http://www.snopes.com/info/whatsnew.xml
And now, to the legends, the mayhem, and the misinformation!
New Articles
------------
Humorous accounts of examinations performed on patients.
http://www.snopes.com/medical/emergent/exams.asp
Jilted woman spreads grass seed in her former boyfriend's
apartment.
http://www.snopes.com/love/revenge/seeded.asp
Hilarious letters to advice columnist Dear Abby.
http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/dearabby.asp
Do new U.S. $5 and $10 bills contain printing errors and will
you get rich if you come across one?
http://www.snopes.com/business/money/newmoney.asp
Of women over 40 having a better chance of being killed by a
terrorist than of getting married.
http://www.snopes.com/science/stats/terrorist.asp
The story of Freedom, an injured bald eagle nursed back to
health by a cancer survivor.
http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/freedom.asp
Don't forget to visit our Daily Snopes page for a collection
of odd news stories from around the world!
http://www.snopes.com/daily
Worth a Second Look
-------------------
Of heart attack symptoms that are so subtle they are oft
mistaken for indigestion.
http://www.snopes.com/medical/disease/heartattack.asp
Still Haunting the Inbox
------------------------
Computer virus warnings: Life Is Beautiful, Invitation
(or Olympic Torch), and Postcard (or Greeting Card).
http://www.snopes.com/computer/virus/life.asp
http://www.snopes.com/computer/virus/invitation.asp
http://www.snopes.com/computer/virus/postcard.asp
Political rumors continue to swell around the two leading Democratic
presidential contenders, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/obama.asp
http://www.snopes.com/politics/clintons/clintons.asp
Appeals to find missing children: Ashley Flores, Reachelle
Marie Smith, and Evan Trembley.
http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/missing/ashleyflores.asp
http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/missing/reachelle.asp
http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/missing/trembley.asp
Glade PlugIns air fresheners - fire hazard?
http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/household/glade.asp
Hot scare of the moment: Warning cautions that gang initiates
are bumping their cars into others, then shooting whoever gets
out of the bumped automobiles.
http://www.snopes.com/crime/gangs/carbump.asp
E-mail describes woman who evades a rapist posing as a
policeman by calling #77 (or *677) on her cell phone.
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/mayhem/fakecop.asp
Aspartame: Responsible for an epidemic of cancer, brain
tumors, and multiple sclerosis, or not?
http://www.snopes.com/medical/toxins/aspartame.asp
Warnings about scammers' running up long-distance charges
by asking victims to press #-9-0 on their telephones or luring
phone users into returning calls to numbers within the 809 area
code.
http://www.snopes.com/fraud/telephone/jailcall.asp
http://www.snopes.com/fraud/telephone/809.asp
Various rumors about the U.S. Social Security system.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/socialsecurity/socialsecurity.asp
Gas tips list: Will refueling your vehicle early in the morning
save you money?
http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/household/gastips.asp
E-mail claims the design of new U.S. dollar coins omits the motto
"In God We Trust."
http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/dollarcoin.asp
Various schemes have been kited about how to protest high
gas prices.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/gasoline/gasoline.asp
"Mastercard" wedding tale about vengeful groom who lets
the wedding guests in on what the bride's been up to, then
walks out.
http://www.snopes.com/weddings/embarrass/bothered.asp
Is it safe to re-use plastic water bottles?
http://www.snopes.com/medical/toxins/petbottles.asp
About "huffing" and the death of a teen from misusing
a can of compressed air.
http://www.snopes.com/medical/toxins/dustoff.asp
E-mail claims Starbucks refused to send free coffee to
G.I.s serving in Iraq.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/military/starbucks.asp
E-mail claims Bill Gates, Microsoft and AOL are giving away
cash and merchandise to those who forward an e-mail message.
http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/nothing/microsoft-aol.asp
E-mail claims that entering one's PIN in reverse at any ATM
will summon the police.
http://www.snopes.com/business/bank/pinalert.asp
Fraud Afoot
-----------
Seems like everyone has become the recipient of mysterious
e-mails promising untold wealth if only one helps a wealthy
foreigner quietly move millions of dollars out of his country.
The venerable Nigerian scam has discovered the goldmine that
is the Internet. Beware -- there's still no such thing as
"something for nothing," and the contents of your bank account
will end up with these wily foreigners if you fall in with this.
http://www.snopes.com/crime/fraud/nigeria.asp
Likewise, look out for mailings announcing that you've won a
foreign lottery you don't recall entering or that because you
share the surname of a wealthy person who died without
leaving a will you're in line for a windfall inheritance.
http://www.snopes.com/crime/fraud/lottery.asp
http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/scams/inherit.asp
And be especially wary if, while trying to sell or rent
anything online (car, boat, horse, motorcyle, painting,
apartment, you name it) you're approached by a prospective
buyer who wants to pay with a cashier check made out for an
amount in excess of the agreed-upon price and who asks the
balance be sent to a third party.
http://www.snopes.com/crime/fraud/cashier.asp
Aspiring work-at-homers promised big bucks for acting as
intermediaries for international transactions wherein they
cash checks for other parties or reship goods to them have
been defrauded by con artists. Don't you be next.
http://www.snopes.com/crime/fraud/reshipper.asp
If someone calls to announce you've failed to appear for jury
duty and will be arrested, do not give the caller your personal
and financial information in an effort to prove he's sending
the gendarmes after the wrong guy. You're being tricked into
giving up this information to an identity thief.
http://www.snopes.com/crime/fraud/juryduty.asp
Admin Stuff
-----------
View the latest edition of the snopes.com newsletter online at
http://www.snopes.com/info/updates/current.htm
I read a lovely article in Woman's Day magazine. And lucky you (or unlucky you depending on how you see it) I found it online! It's about being a Designated Daughter. It talks about mom's but I'm sure it can go for dad's also.
Woman's Day Magazine - Bonus Years
I like the "designated daughter" thing. Makes me feel special.
Kathy
Russ does lots of meme's. I thought I would do the latest one he has taken on:
WHAT WHERE YOU DOING TEN YEARS AGO.
10 years ago? Hard to remember that far back! LOL Basically same old stuff I do now. No big life changes for me.
WHAT ARE 5 THINGS ON MY TO-DO LIST TODAY
Since you asked.....I got the old camera out to take some pictures of me and mom and the stupid thing wouldn't work. It's ditigal and for some reason the little extra memory thingy isn't working. So I had to print out and delete the 13 pictures I had on the camera. So they needed to be printed but why isn't the memory chip thing working? I can't find anything that came with my camera. That includes everything to hook it up to my computer........
So finding my camera stuff is number 1 on my list. For the rest of my list: 2 clean out the fridge 3 take out trash 4 figure out how to get past the most recent puzzle on the computer game I am playing 5 gotta remember to get a check in the mail to my lawn mowing guy...
SNACKS I ENJOY
potato chips, cheddar cheese, those Special K snack bars (the ones that are like 90 calories or so. Love the blueberry one)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE A BILLIONAIRE?
Throw money at the cancer research people. (And I would buy out all the tobacco people and shut them down!) Money to helping people get a education so they can work and make money. Finding a way to teach the third world countries that it is ok to use birth control and teach them farming or whatever it takes so they can feed themselves.
BAD HABITS
Me, bad habits? Surely you jest! LOL Lately I have been spending way too much money. I do that when I get depressed. I have got to stop spending!
JOBS I'VE HAD
Cashier at a furniture store, data entry, accounts payable, phone operator for a major catalog company...
Guess that's it for this meme.
Mom is doing ok. She is starting to have bad headaches. I guess the cancer has moved on up.
Kathy
